Childless by choice ... dream or nightmare?

From the day a girl learns to play, she is given dolls. Most girls will pretend the dolls are their "babies". They will pretend to feed them, and care for them. They lull them to sleep and kiss them good night.. They will pretend to be mothers. Most girls will love interacting with new babies, holding them, helping grown ups take care of them... by looking at these girls, one would think that motherhood comes naturally to females in general. The concept is taken and generalized... and becomes the norm, and the expectation of every adult woman. Any woman who dares think differently is not tolerated. As girls get older they are taught that motherhood is the most important role a woman could have. They go to school and get an education, but they are taught that children and motherhood come first, career comes second, if at all. Many are told that a career in something to fall back on just in case you never get married, or your husband for some reason is incapacitated and cannot work, so you can be the "backup" breadwinner until he recovers. Many girls spend all of their premarital life looking forward to the day when they will be mothers.... others will marry only to have children, the husband has a secondary role in their equation. To top it all off, religion dictates that a woman's "role" is child bearing and caring for the family.... This may seem like a traditional way of thinking... a no brainer.. really isn't this what all women want??

The answer to this question is yes, and no. Yes, because most, but not all women want to have children. There are no real statistics to verify this statement, but if you look at countries where having a child is not a necessity, it is not uncommon to see a woman who has decided not have kids. They are women who are childless by choice. They would rather go to the movies than spend the weekend feeding and changing diapers. They would rather spend time with their significant other, enjoying each others company, rather than fighting about whose turn it is to put the kids to bed, or fix a big healthy dinner, or change a dirty diaper. They would rather get a good night sleep rather than be up all night with a child with a fever. They would rather spend all their energy advancing their careers, rather than spending it dealing with issues relating to caring for kids. They would rather save their money for retirement and for fancy houses, great vacations and expensive cars rather than saving it for a child's education. Is this right? Is this wrong? No one can judge, it is an individual choice. If this is how these women want to spend their life, it is their prerogative. They make a decision, and go through with it, and whatever consequences there are, they bear them, because this is their choice. The other kind of woman is someone who wants to dedicate her life to her family and children. She enjoys caring for dependant children that are her own. She is happy to sing her baby to sleep. Saving money for a child's future gives her a purpose in life. It doesn't matter if her spouse does not do his share of the house work, or refuses to change the baby. Having this baby and caring for it is the joy of her life and the purpose of her existence. Nothing compares to the feeling of tiny hands around her neck giving her a good night hug and a kiss. When she is with her kids, her career is secondary, and whether it exists or not, is not an issue, as long as she has a happy healthy family. She is not concerned about the future if for example she gets divorced or her spouse dies.For this woman, this is her choice, and whatever consequences come of it, they are hers, because it was her decision to live life in this manner. Other women can combine both options together... this is also their choice, and if it results in lack of sleep or excessive stress, or being drained all the time from too much responsibility, they will be happy because they have both a career and a family. Again a choice they made. In this day and age, do women in our Egyptian society have this choice? Can an Egyptian woman decide not to have kids? Will she be ostracized by society for making this decision? What about women who cannot have children?? How can these women cope in such a society?

For an Egyptian woman, life after marriage changes dramatically. From day one of her marriage, she is asked if she is pregnant. If the answer is no, the question will be repeated on each subsequent visit, every phone call, every chance meeting in the street. Parents will ask, in laws will ask, siblings will ask. Friends, neighbors, distant relations, and even colleagues at work. Everyone who knows that she is recently married will ask if she is pregnant, and if she says no, they will ask so when do you plan to get pregnant? The pressure to reproduce is relentless. Delaying child bearing for a year or two will be frowned upon. She will be pressured to have a baby immediately or else. She is "advised" by concerned family members that if she does not have a child as soon as possible, her husband will run off with the next available woman. She is "threatened" by her in laws that if she does not produce the next heir... preferably a male baby, they will get their son a second wife. Religion will be mentioned in every conversation. Her God-given "role" has to be fulfilled as soon as possible.... she is told it is her duty.. it is why God created her. For many women, there is no way around it.... they will try to get pregnant as quickly as possible to please everyone.... and to fulfill the role society demands. Most of the time, one child is never enough... soon after her first child, the relentless nagging and social pressure will begin again to force her to have more and more children.. how these children will be supported is not their concern.... God will provide for the kids, so there is no need for her to look at her finances to see if she and her spouse can afford to take care of a new child. The only way an Egyptian woman can be childless by choice is if she never marries.... which puts a whole new stigma on her.... she will forever be "spinster" a reject, never a part of society.... never accepted for who she is... and constantly reminded that she is nothing without a man. Most women will avoid this stigma if they can.

The consequences of this peer pressure on women seems trivial when compared to the consequences suffered by women who cannot reproduce. These unfortunate women will have to sustain tremendous amounts of societal pressure, and they will have no way out. Explaining intimate details about her very private medical dilemma as painful as that will be for her, will only bring about looks of pity, and gossip behind her back. Some will even offer to find a new wife for her husband, so the man can have a family, totally oblivious to the feelings of the woman. It is as if she does not exist, and her infertility is a crime that requires she be punished for it. A very good read that discusses the dynamics of the cultural impact of infertility on Egyptian women is "Infertility and Patriarchy: The Cultural Politics of Gender and Family Life in Egypt by Marcia Claire Inhorn".

A close look at infertile couples in Egypt will show that the blame is usually placed on the woman's shoulders. Many men will refuse to be tested and will feel that being tested for infertility is an insult to their "manhood". Then the husband's family will blame the woman even if she is not at fault, and threats of divorce or a second wife will be constantly thrown in the woman's face. Lack of reproductive education in our society, and the stigma associated with educating youngsters about their bodies are contributing factors to the many misconceptions prevalent in Egyptian society. The image that comes to the minds of most Egyptians when sex education is mentioned is pornography. This is why most parents are so adamant about preventing their children from learning, or from being taught a course about sex education in the school curriculum. Parents also have many issues regarding this matter. It is often an awkward subject to discuss with teenage children, so many parents avoid it all together, also not all parents have all the answers, since they themselves never received the proper education. If only parents are informed that sex education is about Reproduction, how it works, and how the human body functions, they would understand why this is an important part of education that needs to be included in school curricula, and that it is in no way shameful or embarrassing, and it will not teach children bad behaviour. It will teach them information that will help them function as adults, and will answer questions that they already have, which will otherwise be answered by peers who don't have the proper information as well... hence all the misinformation circulating in society. In the previously mentioned book, the author interviewed Egyptian men who believed that a man deposits a fetus (rather than sperms) in a woman's body, and these men were shocked that women produced eggs, and actually thought that it was a ridiculous idea, because women are not like chickens!!!! One informant went as far as saying that if a woman does not produce children, then the man is feeding her for nothing!!! Another form of unacceptable women objectification. The point of view of women is not any better. Many feel inadequate, and unable to fulfill the role they spent their entire life preparing for. These women live in constant fear that their life as they know it will end because they have "defaulted" in an unforgivable way. They know in their hearts that they can wake up one morning and find that their husband decided to marry another woman, they may wake up one day to find themselves alone, while the man they spent years with has gone and started another family. He laughs and goes out, and sleeps with another woman. He has a life to live... but not the woman. Her inability to conceive is unacceptable. Many women in this situation will end up with depression, and some even contemplate suicide.... There are no support groups for these women, and the nagging society they live in is unforgiving. Even if this is through no fault of their own. I believe that if being childless by choice were acceptable in society, women who suffer from infertility would be less ostracized and less liable for devastation of their family life. Why not encourage careers for girls? Why do we hammer into their brains from the time they open their eyes that they need to be mothers? Why not give them something besides motherhood to look forward to?? The need for motherhood comes naturally to most people, so why are we reinforcing it at the expense of all other options in life? Why is a successful man without children accepted by society, but a successful woman without children ostracized? Encourage your daughters to be talented in music, art, science.... anything she likes.... let them have a life besides being mothers.... let grown women have the choice to be mothers... Why make it a necessity? why is it an order done under societal pressure? When will we be able to see "career women" who are childless by choice?? Why do people feel the need to dictate other people's lives and choices? Why ostracize someone for their ability or inability to reproduce? Just live, and let live. Let Egyptian women be Free!!!

V-Day... Stop the Violence 1

With the curent trends and attitudes in modern day Egypt, a very important problem has surfaced that I feel is unacceptable, and attention needs to be brought to that matter.
I am talking of course about violence against women in general, or spouse abuse in particular.
Abuse can be one of 2 types: either emotional or physical. Many factors have promoted this abuse, including te media, misinterpretation of religion, and our mysogynist culture. In older movies, it was not uncommon to see a woman being beaten by a man, and it always shown in a positive light, and the man was always the good guy, because the woman of course deserved it. This led to the acceptance of the concept of domestic violence and abuse, making it appear as a normal every day event, and encouraging people to follow the footsteps of the star in the movie... slowly it became widely acceptable, and mainstream.

Abuse can be one of 2 types, either emotional or physical. Emotional abuse is the least evident form of abuse, yet has the most damaging concequences on the victim. The problem with our society is that it advocates the emotional abuse of women... Girls are taught that they are inferior to boys in childhood. Boys run around as they please, while girls are told, "you are a girl, so you should be quiet".. it is not "natural" for girls to be active or to run around freely or misbehave like boys. As they get older, things only get more difficult and more complicated. Brothers are given control over their sisters, simply because they are males, and therefore should be dominant. They are encouraged to order them around and to monitor their every move... some families go as far as allowing their son to beat their daughter if he feels that she is doing something he does not approve of, or something that may threaten the "family honor". This scenario sets the stage for what is to come later as boys and girls grow to be men and women. In a household, men begin their marriage by trying to establish the fact that they are dominant, every decision that is taken is the man's.. everything the woman does, has to be pre- approved by the man. Family and society encourage him to do that, and tell him he is not a man if he doesnt do that. Some men will force their wives to stay at home. So they are 100% financially dependant on the husband. In return, the wife is expected to attend to her husband's every need. If she doesnt, she is not good enough and needs to be "disciplined" according to the man's standards. And of course according to the way he was raised, "beating" his wife is justified... after all, isn't she the one who didn't have dinner ready on time, or didn't clean the house efficiently enough, or didn't perform a task he asked for in a timely manner? Women are taught that they are nothing without a man.
She does not even have the option of leaving him, which is a right God gave her, but which society has taken away from her. Fanta discussed how women are prevented from seeking a divorce by society here. Some men will even forbid their wives from communicating with their families, and make sure they are totally cut off from all of their friends.... and when these poor women complain, they are told, "you have to obey your husband...it is his right to 'protect' you, and women can spoil (yefsedo) each other, so your husband is only protecting you by cutting you off from your life as you have known it before he married you". Now this may look like a fact of life for some people, or a husband being over protective compared to others, but the truth is: this is a very systematic approach to deprive women of everything they have and to gurantee their total submission and dependance on their partners, so they are unable to function in society... which gives people a reason to forbid them from holding positions or being figures of authority...etc.

This scenario is in fact a direct application of the steps of Psycological abuse!!! Here is how:

Based on an adaptation of work from Alice Miller's For Your Own Good and John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame That Binds You

Authority figures (AF)
1. AF's are the masters of dependants.
2. AF's alone decide what is right and wrong
3. They alone make up the definitions, the rules, and the "consequences" (i.e. punishment)
4. Dependants are held responsible for the AF's feelings (anger, disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, happiness and unhappiness)
5. The AF is only responsible and accountable for good things that happen, never the bad ones. Thus the AF appears to always be right, and when things go wrong the dependant is always blamed and feels responsible and guilty.
6. The AF tries to exercise total control of the dependant by controlling his thoughts, feelings and behavior. Whenever this control is not absolute, the AF feels threatened.
7. The dependant's individuality is minimized as much as possible by the AF.
8. The AF creates an intricate system of punishments and rewards which rob the dependant of any sense of inner direction or esteem.
9. The following freedoms listed by Virginia Satire are denied to the dependant as much as possible:
a) The freedom to perceive b) To think and interpret c) To feel To want, need, and chose
10. The AF never (or rarely) admits mistakes or apologizes.
11. All of the above take place in a way which does not expose the AF's true motives, and none of this is openly talked about. No "back talk" is allowed
Some of the Consequences:
-Mistakes are concealed
-People are under constant stress
-Needs are frustrated, denied
-Fear dominates
-Power is based on fear, not respect
-Information is withheld and distorted
-Information flow is primarily from top down
-Behavior is forced; does not come naturally
-Behavior is not consistent with true feelings, which adds to the stress
-Conflicts and problems are blamed on the dependent's "poor attitudes" and "character flaws."
-All of this tears the dependant person apart, causing self-alienation and even self-loathing. The dependant person loses faith in his/her own mind and feelings with devastating self-esteem consequences.
-Depression, rage, mood swings, co-dependency, self-injury and self-destruction are typical outcomes.
-If the authority figure is a parent, this person will likely develop symptoms of various "disorders" such as the so-called Borderline Personality disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Anoexia, Bulemia etc.

The previous box explains emotional abuse and how it is accomplished, and how it affects the abused person. I copied it from this link

If you read through the points, you will see that we can all agree that points #1,2, and 3 are all systematically carried out in most Egyptian households, and are considered to be traditional values that people should not question. Emotional abuse is mainly having someone depend on you emotionally , financially, socially.. You threaten to leave them or marry someone else if they disobey you.. You cut off ties between them and their friends and family.. You control them financially, then you make them feel that they cannot function in life without you!!!

Point #4 may not be as evident, but it is the one argument used by most Egyptians when they talk to women to see why a husband has cheated on his wife.... For example, if a man cheats, the woman is always told "you are responsible for his bad behaviour... you must have done something wrong, so you were unable to contain him... maybe you are not enough for him... see where you are deficient, and try to fix your flaws, then beg him to come back to you.. maybe if he sees your sincere efforts to correct your faults he will have pitty on you and be yours exclusively"!!! A woman is never encouraged to leave a cheating husband, and of course the welfare of the children is always mentioned as a reason she should tolerate abuse.

On the other hand, if a woman cheats on her husband, then she is a slut and a whore, who does not deserve her husband .. she does not deserve to live .. he is encouraged to throw her out, and never look back.. what she has done is inconceivable and unforgivable. The husband is discouraged from ever forgiving his wife, and to society, she deserves every bad thing that comes her way. The children's welfare in this case is not an issue, since they claim children dont need a mother who cheats on her spouse!! Notice how the man is never at fault.... if he cheats, she is wrong.. If she cheats, she is wrong!!! Men are never wrong in society's twisted logic.

To Be Continued..

When Patriarchy Joins Forces with the Owners of Absolute Truth

The Speech in English

"On women leading prayers.. Oh, fellow men.. I swear I don't know from where to start or how! Because of the horror I was subjected to. And there people of knowledge who committed the terrible mistake of permitting women to lead prayers.. Don’t know how! To his aim (the person who thinks this is not forbidden in Islam) he did the following: He said that the hadith which prohibits women from becoming leaders, the hadith told by Abu Bakrah Al Thaqafi, ''A nation which placed its affairs in the hands of a woman shall never prosper". He said that this hadith is not a proof. Why? He said Abu Bakrah is crooked.. Yes, I swear he said so.. Abu Bakrah is a Sahabi (one of the disciples of Prophet Muhammad). Huh, I say this Abu Bakrah Al-Thaqafi is a Sahabi.. He said Abu Bakrah is crooked, and a liar.. and this means that the hadith he told is false. This was the first observation. The second observation was that Al Bukhari (one of the basic sources of collected hadith) contains spurious hadith. Let him reach where he wants. [cut out part] They want to shaken everything that was mentioned against this issue, even those who which are 100% proven in solid igmaa (the agreement among sheikh) which is of the same status as the Quran.. That is that women are not permitted to give Friday sermons or lead prayers. The handing over of verdict is to be taken as the handing over of the Quran to us. In the highest level of agreement and tawatur (transmission) from generation to generation.. So that no matter how long you searched books, you won't find a single recorded incidence from the prophet's time until our present time, saying that a woman has ever led prayers. You won't find a single occurrence. And this is called the most powerful practical igmaa. He comes to that issue which enjoys an agreement that is as clear as the morning sun, and he wants to shake it and raise doubts among muslims. So you can imagine what is the case with other sharia rules, which are thousands.. He can play with them as he wishes. Why?.. Because their origins and interpretation (sharia rules) are unknown to the majority of people.. And the only ones who can interpret them correctly are a few individuals.. those who are sheikhs or scholars. They hope to shake all this. But they won't be able to, in spite of our apparent weakness. so many times, little gatherings defeated numerous gatherings."
_____________________________________

Well, there is so much to say about the speaker's way and attitude.. especially if we asked a psychiatrist to watch this video and analyze the man. It is enough to see how he breaks his sentences and pauses to stare at the faces of those listening to him, in order to force them to accept all what he says as absolute facts. He seeks to manipulate his listeners and take full control over their minds. It is also apparent that most of his audience are simple-minded people, who have not received much, if any, education. I really wanted to see their faces for once (which the cameraman didn't want), although I can imagine how they looked.

What concerns me here is the presumable "argument" presented by this sheikh in order to convince people that there can be no such thing as a woman leading prayers. That is live example of how the masses are being brainwashed at mosques, especially after Friday prayers.

Many violent attacks in Egypt have taken place after Friday prayers! It might seem strange, and more likely to be the opposite.. But that is a well-known fact. The majority of violent clashes between Muslims and Christians, which happened recently in Egypt, took place right after the Sheikh is through with his speech. This "coincidence" was recorded in clashes which took place in Alexandria, Ayyat, Menniya, and other places. It was the common belief that this was just a coincidence, that the attackers had actually planned the attack before hand.. And that Friday prayers only served to gather those violent people together at the mosque. But the chaos and lack of organization, the strange combination of people taking part in the attack, and the crude methods used during those attacks (usually using anything that comes to hand as a weapon), have all suggested that those outbursts were planned by others.. To be precise, the only person who inspired this attack was the Sheikh giving the Friday sermon at those mosques, out of which angry masses of men go directly to attack their Christian neighbors.

So, we have to admit that some male imams are not doing a good job. And now, we can see an example of the speeches given and the hidden agendas behind them. In this particular case, it is clear that the speaker doesn't only seek to make the issue of female imams become completely out of question.. But he also raises the anger of his audience against those who would say elsewise. It is also clear that he wants them to believe that anyone who expresses the opinion that it is OK for a woman to become imam, is someone who aims to shake their beliefs and mess with Islam. Moreover, he stresses the message that the only people who are fit to talk about religion are its men.

Let us make more discoveries and dig deeper as we examine his speech closely..

1-Notice the beginning of his speech, and how he concentrates on making the topic of his argument sound blasphemous in itself: "Oh, fellow men.. I swear I don't know from where to start or how! Because of the extreme horror I was subjected to. And there are people of knowledge who committed the terrible mistake of permitting women to lead prayers.. Don’t know how!"

Now, those people do not need to hear anything further. They already had the ready-made judgement from their all-knowing sheikh, who himself is lost for words at the mere thought of bringing up such a horrible thought for discussion.

2- He moves on to talk about an imaginary man who argues for women being imams. He didn't give any specific identification or attribute any specific details related to this person.. Such as his profession (Is he a man of religion or not?), his educational background (Did he study Islamic Sharia or not?), or his cultural orientation. All this is equally irrelevant to him and to his audience, as they all have agreed on the outcome of the argument before it even started.

He claims that his fictional character "said that the hadith which prohibits women from becoming leaders, the hadith told by Abu Bakrah Al Thaqafi, 'A nation which placed its affairs in the hands of a woman shall never prosper'. He said that this hadith is not a proof. Why? He said Abu Bakrah is crooked.. Yes, I swear he said so.. Abu Bakrah is a Sahabi (one of the companions of Prophet Muhammad). Huh, I say this: Abu Bakrah Al-Thaqafi is a Sahabi.. He said Abu Bakrah is crooked, and a liar.. and this means that the hadith he told is false."

Can you hear the gasps and see the open mouths as I imagined I did? Of course this hypothetical person is a dead man by now. We aren't waiting to know about anything he said or why he said it. "He" is insulting one of the Prophet's companions! Can you imagine people?! Who wants to argue about anything this damned man says? Let's concentrate on hunting him down and cutting him to pieces.

3- But sheikh Howeini has to provoke his audience to the maximum, and be sure that they will hate to hear a single word being mentioned about women imams. So he goes on: "This was the first observation. The second observation was that Al Bukhari contains spurious hadith!"

OK.. So, apparently this guy doesn't know that there is nothing blasphemous about saying that Al Bukhari still contains spurious hadith, or that there is a whole branch of Islamic scholars, who studied the Science of Hadith, who agree that more work should be done on Al Bukhari in order to make sure which of the hadith with weak Isnad (weak reliability) should continue to be included, and which of them should be eleminated. However, that is not a problem. The problem is with those people who just say "Amen" to every word he utters. Those people actually depend on him as their source of religious knowledge. And this puts us in front of a crisis.

4-Here comes the most interesting part. Al Howeini suddenly shifts from the imaginary man he was talking about, who made all those kinds of shameful claims against Abu Bakrah and Bukhari, and moves on to an open attack. He now refers to a mysterious group of people as "They". It seems that he wants to convince his audience that those "they", who have no definition of any kind to help us identify them, "want to shaken everything that was mentioned against this issue, even those which are 100% proven in solid igmaa"

Ahuh.. So, this is a conspiracy, if I am not mistaken. And it sounds like a really serious kind of conspiracy. Yet, "they" who are behind it are completely ambiguous to us. Of course, only Al Howeini knows who "they" are. But, if he has decided to warn the people against them, shouldn't he be kind enough to define those conspirators, who want to shake shake shake everything that is completely agreed upon in Islam?

5- But wait.. There is more that we didn't know, that only a sheikh like him has got knowledge of. First time for me to know that any hadith, even the sahih, which absolutely no one would dare suspect to be true, has got "the same status as the Quran"!! This is really way off limits. The mix and mingle between hadith and Quran is clearly prohibited in Islam. We can doubt what is said in Hadith, we can judge a hadith as either Sahih (true) or Daif (weak) or Mawdu (spurious). But we can never do the same with Quran. So how is it that they both are of the same status?! Does that mean that I can judge the reliability of Quran? Or does it mean that I can not judge the reliability of Hadith? (Bear in mind that igmaa stands for sheikhs agreeing on the same opinion. And this opinion may very well be the result of their personal views which they build through a human logical sequence on their own interpretation of a text. And does not refer to the hadith itself even.)

He did not stop there, actually.. He stresses it even more and more. "The handing over of this verdict (women are not to be imams) is to be taken as the handing over of the Quran to us," he says!He also claims that his one and only hadith, which has nothing to do with women being imams, or even political leaders, even enjoys "the highest level of agreement and tawator (trasmission) from generation to generation."

Now, wait a minute! Is this man really saying what I understood? Is he building all those false arguments, using all this wrong information, and saying all this hocus pocus about religion, just to close the door in front of women to become imams?!
Is this that scary? Are those sheikhs willing to destroy the very basics of Islamic principles and science of hadith, just to prevent women from becoming imams and giving the Friday sermon?! My God!

6-By now, you should have become familiar with the method used by our friend here. (So sorry to call him a friend.) He just keeps repeating and stressing and exaggerating. It seems pretty normal, thus, that the next thing he resorts to is posing a challenge. He dares anyone to be able to find a recorded incidence of a woman becoming imam: "So that no matter how long you searched books, you won't find a single recorded incidence, from the prophet's time until our present time, saying that a woman has ever led prayers. You won't find a single occurrence. And this is called the most powerful practical igmaa."

Seriously, this the first time ever to see a competition that promises failure to all contestants. So, what does this new religious theory imply really? Does it mean that anything that people didn't use to do in the past becomes religiously prohibited or haram?.. Is driving a car haram? Is buying an iPod haram? Is using a blender in the kitchen haram? Is having a blog haram?(Sure in my case it must be! Ask him.) Is using laser beam haram? Is building a rocket haram? Is landing on Mars haram?
Or, let's be more specific. Let's talk female jobs.. Is it haram for a woman to work at a call center? Is being a female surgeon haram? Is working on TV haram? What about working on a xeroxing machine? Is it haram to be a female engineer? Is being a female pianist haram? A female scientist? A female politician? A female pilot? A female actress? A female director? A female analyst? A female journalist? A female photographer? A female factory worker? A spokeswoman? A female secretary? A female employee? A female programmer/software developer? Are all those jobs haram?
Then, what is left?

7- In the same mysterious way by which we were introduced to "they", the guy goes back to the "he" he was talking about in the beginning; and says, "He comes to that issue (no women imams) which enjoys an agreement that is as clear as the morning sun, and he wants to shake it and raise doubts among muslims. So you can imagine what will be the case with other sharia rules, which are thousands.. He can play with them as he wishes."

This "he" is very evil it seems. Still, we don't know who the hell "he" is. But it is clear that he belongs to the conspiracy gang of "they".. Yet, neither "They" nor "He" has got any motives for what they are doing! We don't even know what their purpose is! Does it only stop at shaking beliefs and raising doubts among muslims? So, is it out of mere hatred? Is it part of a bigger conspiracy?.. Why are they doing this?.. Please, please, Sheikh Howeini, tell us why they are doing this to us.

8- "Why?.. Because their (sharia rules) origins and interpretation are unknown to the majority of people.. And the only ones who can interpret them correctly are a few individuals.. those who are sheikhs or scholars."

Mmmmmmm.. So this is what they are after!.. Oh Oh.. Nope, it's not.. This is what encouraged them to go on with their evil plan.. But still does not explain what purpose this plan actually serves. Well, it seems that the purpose is not important. Let's concentrate on the methods and the means for carrying out the plan.
Don't know if I am the only one who thinks of Dr. Evil right now! Suddenly, all that comes to mind is the Austin Powers movie.. There is Austin, and there is Dr. Evil and his gang who wish to destroy the world for no reason whatsoever. Not a big deal, though.. Watching a silly movie, you consider motives and purposes to be unneeded extras. But sadly, this is not a movie. This is real. DAMN REAL.

Now, what did he say the reason was? That Muslims don't know how to interpret Muslim Sharia?? Then, this whole conspiracy thing is so stupid. Because we can teach Muslims how to interpret their sharia. Like the "Learn-it-yourself" book series.. Or we don't even need that. We spend 12 years of our lives learning religion at schools. Let's teach kids how to interpret sharia.

Of course, Al Howeini won't allow any ray of light to reach his audience. He must slam the door in front of them, make them lose any hope that one day they may no longer be in need of his services. Therefore, he makes it clear that the only one who can interpret religion is the sheikh or the scholar of Islamic sharia.

9- Then comes the grand finale.. "They hope to shake all this. But they won't be able to.. in spite of our apparent weakness. So many times, little gatherings defeated numerous gatherings."
Ehe2 ehe2 ehe2. We are weak.. ehe2 ehe2 ehe2. "They" are stronger than us, and "they" are more than us!! ehe2 ehe2 ehe2. But we will win. We will defeat them. We shall prevail. We don't need to know any further. Thanks dear sheikh.

This is the kind of speech used at out mosques. We have to face it. There is a major brainwash going on. I am not implying that it is always on purpose, moved by wicked intentions.. Although there are cases where this is actually the case. I am just saying that this kind of talk, discouraging people against using their minds, along with feeding them with preconceptions and hostility towards anyone who happens to have a different opinion, or suggest something new, is pulling our whole society backwards. There can never be any hope in progress this way. We won't even be able to keep standing where we are today. And one day, our offspring may wake up to find themselves living in the Mamluk era.

There is nothing in Quran or Sunnah that prohibits women from becoming imams or giving Friday sermons, and that is more than enough. Sharia states that it is the default for everything to be halal (allowed by God), unless there is a holy verse stating elsewise. I can see nothing against the idea except patriarchal arrogance and religious extremism which is against women in general. Why can't we even discuss it?

I'd ask you now to watch this video and then tell me: Would you rather have Al Howeini or this woman (or anyone like her) as your imam in prayer? Please let's try to be honest and fair.

Weddings: The Facts behind the Biggest Conspiracy

How many weddings have you attended during your lifetime? How many of those whose wedding you attended ended up in divorce? Does it make you wonder?

When I was a child, the thought of attending a wedding was so exciting. From the moment I learn from my parents that we are invited to a wedding party, I kept counting the days. I always loved to keep wedding invitations. They looked so elegant and beautiful. To a child, a wedding party is a huge event. You get to see lots of people, who are wearing their best clothes. The whole atmosphere is filled with happiness and joy. The wedding march (zaffah) with the loud drums, singers dressed in uniform, the bride and groom who have an exceptional glow, the typical two rows of guests surrounding the march with clapping and zaghreet (a special cheering sound by which women salute the newly weds), the dazzling light in front of the march which is held by a man walking backwards for video recording, the organized drum beat which is played whenever the couple are to take a few steps forward, all this creates a magical atmosphere that is sure to stick to the memory of children in particular. The married couples themselves need the video tape to remind them of the details of their party. But it is all printed in the memory of the very young guests.

It is a whole other experience for the children, especially girls. I remember waking up on those days feeling the thrill of the big event yet to come. At school, I told all my friends that I'm attending a wedding. I would describe my dress and what I intend to do with my hair. I may be even lucky enough to convince my mother to lend me some blush or lipstick. I would tell them which famous singers or belly-dancers I expect to see (it was common at that time that parents who sent out invitations would let the guests know about the entertainment program). I would even tell them everything I know about the bride and groom whose wedding was to take place that evening. Classes felt a lot longer than usual. They were keeping me back from getting ready for the big event. I still had to go with my mom to the hairdresser, which is usually so crowded on those days (almost all weddings used to be on Thursday night). I would dress up like Cinderella and wear the pair of sparkling shoes which are carefully kept in their box for such events. The party itself was just a fairy tale, and like Cinderella I danced till it was time to go. I couldn't sleep at night without revising every single detail that had happened at the party. I remember (what I thought then to be) nice women wishing me the same luck of the bride (the usual "3o2bal elbanoota" felt so good back then). If the bride was one of my relatives, I keep thinking why she looked so different. I barely knew her in this new hair color and heavy make-up. Why didn't she ever try this make-over before? She looked amazing that night, like a star.

I find it very hard now to evaluate my childish thoughts. Was it good for me back then to live in Wonderland? Could it have been better if things were put in their right perspective? Is it good for a child to live in an ideal world, even if it doesn't really exist? Or is it better for her/him to know the facts from the start? Would I have been that happy back then if I had been realistic? Or it would have been better to save me the shock of discovery later on? No one can tell.

But what I am sure of now, is that it is a crime to be left to maintain this childish view while growing up. The way I see it, leading a girl to keep her idealistic imaginary view of marriage falls under the domain of conspiracy. It is nothing less than that. And should never be taken less seriously.

Yes, parents have the right to be concerned about the future of their daughter/s. Yes, they have the right to dream of her wedding day. Yes, they do have the right to want her to start a family which will grant her social and psychological (sometimes financial) security long after they are gone. It is so understandable. Nobody can argue against that. You always want what is best for your children. But many crimes are committed under this banner, from authoritative upbringing to telling lies to deciding what is right for them.

When you watch TV shows which claim to be searching for answers concerning the reasons behind high divorce rates in Egypt, they just keep bluffing about married couples who are not ready to make compromises. (Of course there are rare exceptions to this rule, but the majority sticks to deciding what is right for you, just like your parents.) They will talk about ambitious girls, whose financial independence may tempt them to risk the stability of their marriages. They will tell you that we lack old social values and family ties. They will do whatever it takes to convince you that a marriage is a sacred union which deserves sacrifice. They can't bring themselves to see the roots of the problem. If the roots are rotten, you can never save the plant. You may prolong the life of the leaves on the surface, but not for so long. Unless you dig your hands into the mud to see what's down there, you are risking massive infection in the whole soil. I find this to be particularly true when it comes to the institution of marriage.

Why do people get married? The answer may be obvious to you. And no matter which words we choose to rephrase our answers, they will all eventually evolve around something like "because it is a human and a social need for mating and forming a socially accepted structure where partners and their offspring are able to exist harmoniously in the wider network of social relationships." This is my own definition, and you may disagree with it. If you find it good enough, then let's examine whether this is what really takes place in reality.

It is clear that we have deviated from the core philosophy behind marriage. When you come down to Egyptian marriages and the way they are managed, you will find that it has absolutely nothing to do with that. In our society, there is a culture which promotes external appearance at the expense of essence and meaning. To explain further, society pushes its members into the direction of adopting an image which satisfies the demands of the bigger picture that society wants to reflect about itself. It is the appearance that matters. You have to mainly photocopy the pattern followed so that you earn a place for yourself among the socially accepted group. There are lots of rewards for those who follow the pattern, while there are severe punishments for those who don't. Even if you agree and believe in the same values, you are no good as long as you don't fit into the frame they decided for you.

As a girl living in the Egyptian society you have a list of requirements that you should follow in case you want to join the club of the "respected norm". Memberships are automatically granted if you are:
Educated but not over ambitious
Obedient to men and elders
Shy and timid
Appear to be religious
Marry young

Why did they include marriage in those requirements? Well, because that's what men want. Men always go for young women, and if you happen to break the rules previously mentioned you are decreasing their choices. If you are not under the pressure of having to get married at a certain age, you probably will postpone that until you reach a certain degree of career stability and financial independence. By then, you will be past the preferred age, and threatening to ruin the marriage market for men. What if many girls were inspired by your achievements? Then girls can easily take the decision to turn down marriage offers at a young age. There can be a time when all brides will be mature women, who have already shaped their beliefs, built a career, and are financially secure and independent. Now, I can assure you that men would rather drop dead before they see such a day. How can a man marry an equal? That's a crisis!

Here comes the biggest cover up in history.. (Believe me this is way beyond The Da Vinci Code.) They have to get you into this white dress before you can think of any better alternatives. Brainwash is a very powerful tool that has proven extremely effective. But in this case, it won't be enough. There has to be real temptation.. Something to get your mouth running.. You guessed it right baby.. It's the wedding. Marriage is all about signing a contract, so why do people spend all this money on extravagant weddings? Have you ever thought of that? Why don't we just sign this contract and go home? What's a honeymoon for God's sake? Why do married couples have to take a vacation and travel? They are married for a lifetime. For sure they will get many chances to travel on official and summer vacations. What makes them run away once they seal the knot?

This entire circus was carefully designed to dazzle pretty young girls. Just like luring a kid with candy, you are being lured by the party, the wedding dress, the new home, the exotic honeymoon, and the respected title of Mrs.("madam" is a very prestigious title in our society). Have you ever thought why only women receive their titles according to their social status? It doesn't make a difference whether a man is married or not. He receives his title according to his profession (doctor, bashmohandes, ostaz,). "Mr." remains unaffected, even if this man married 10 times. He is who he is. Why do you have to change your title because you got married? Why does everybody have to know whether you are married or not? And why do you keep the title even if you are no longer married or widowed? In these cases, "madam" does not reflect the reality. Yet, it is a must that you remain labeled as such. The law states that shops displaying "used goods" must put a label which indicates that, otherwise they will be in serious trouble.

So, what happens is that while a bride's mind is so distracted by so many details, she does not pay enough attention to the man who will fill the place of the groom. It is like a fill-in-the-blanks kind of situation. There is a wedding, which means that there must be a cake, a dress, a guest list, floral arrangements, DJ, and of course a groom wearing a tux.. Oh, Wait!.. I don't want him to wear a bowtie. If he shows up in a bowtie, tell him to forget it.

The period of engagement is supposed to be your final chance to make up your mind about this huge life decision. However, you find that it is all about shopping and reviewing catalogs. I believe it would be more practical if they included a Groom Catalog, cause in such a case the catalog will be responsible for the accuracy of the description written under each groom. A bride-to-be gets completely absorbed into designing the final look for her marriage, who has time to spend with a future husband? She is told that this is a huge advantage. You get to choose everything according to your own taste, that's perfect! But later on, she discovers that the only thing which she didn't really choose according to her taste was the groom himself; the man with whom she should be spending the rest of her life. While engaged, she became an expert in wedding gowns. She can tell you the difference between real and artificial marble. She formed an interesting theory about furniture fabrics. Yet, try to ask her about the groom. You will find very vague adjectives being said, like "He's kind. He's good. He comes from a good family."

We have to admit that the social restrictions which avoid the healthy formation of relationships between different genders has caused many to resort to arranged marriages (gawaz elsalonat), especially with the increasing pressure imposed on girls at a certain age. Eligible bachelors are aided by family and friends in the search for a suitable bride. While on the other hand, parents are doing their best to find a suitable groom before their daughter ends her third decade. There is not much room left for choice here. You never know.. Maybe this groom is your last chance of jumping into the marriage train. Are you willing to take that risk? Can you guarantee that you won't regret turning this guy down? How can you be sure that a better one will find his way to you in the right time? At that point, "a bird in hand" seems to be the wisest idea. Now, let's move into serious details: the apartment, the dowry, the furnishing, the party…etc. And the bride has lots of serious business ahead. Her mother suggests that they start visiting jewelers before the groom surprises them with a certain choice. Of course he will want to save money, but don't worry.. your mother will take care of that. She has a great experience with jewelry that she has been waiting for so long to deliver to you. With her help, you will be able to get the best of the best. Just choose whatever you want. The choice is all yours now. You will make a lot of important decisions. Remember that you only marry once (or so it is supposed to be) so you must pay lots of attention to the dress.. the white dress.. your lifelong dream.. you are getting very close to wearing it at last.

I don't think I have to say more about how the process goes on after that. I've made my point. Marriage has been reduced into a wedding. You buy one night with all the rest of your life. This cultural structure has turned an institution which constructs the building units of society (marriage) into a quest for the white dress. How can a girl survive without the dream of the white dress? What if she never gets to wear the big white dress? Is any girl ready to imagine that? Can she really resist the temptation? Will she be able to realize that this dress can not buy her happiness? Could she truly believe that not wearing it doesn't make her any less than those who do? Bring me a girl who can do this. I want to meet a girl who has a realistic idea about what marriage is. I want to see a girl who can challenge this romantic illusionary tale where everything is white.

The conspiracy targetting girls has served its aim. There are girls who are ready to give up anything in return for the big white dress. Many girls take it for granted that they must get married at a certain age. Many girls follow all social requirements so willingly in order to become the one-night-stars. What if you become Cinderella for one night? Better than never. Even if the fairytale sways its way to Beauty and the Beast later on, they don't seem to care. They know that everything is gonna be alright. "Marriage changes everything," mothers keep saying. "When you live together, many things will improve. Don't worry." So, why bother about getting to know the person? You have a long time ahead of you to do so. Just give yourself a chance. Love comes with time and shared memories. Don't waste your only chance to live your dream of the wedding. Imagine yourself sparkling and receiving greetings from everybody. You will be above the stars. You will never see pity in the eyes of women. You will gain the power and authority of a Married Woman. You will have your own home. You will join the club of the respected ladies who used to be your superiors. You will be one of them. You will get the chance to judge others, just as they used to judge you. You will have the wisdom that only married women get to have. You will be the inspector instead of the inspected. Who can resist that?

I have exposed the full chapters of the conspiracy, and I hence put all the facts in front of you all. In doing so, I am not expecting any girl to change her view of marriage. I understand that the appeal of this fantastic image is much more powerful than any facts related to it. By reading those lines, I am holding you responsible for your fate. It is an innocent trick. Now that you have the knowledge of what lies beneath all those fabulous arrangements and celebrations, you can not return to your ignorant state. You will have to act more responsible towards yourself. Nobody knows what's best for you better than yourself. You know that, and you trust that. So don't deceive yourself into thinking anything else, no matter what. Don't search for a husband to fill the gap in your fairytale. Being a good person does not mean that he is the right one for you. Marriage is not a matter of fact. It is not a bridge that you have to cross at a certain point in your lifetime.

I will now attempt to answer the question I raised in the very beginning. I believe that couples get divorced because our social view of marriage is up-side-down. We want marriage and then we search for the one who will play the role of the partner in this marriage. This is the exact opposite of what our human nature dictates. You have to meet someone who convinces you with the idea of marriage. You have to reach the point when you feel that you want to grow old with this person. You need to feel the emotional and mental bond that is strong enough to suggest the possibility of turning this bond into a marriage. Without that, you will be deceiving yourself. Things can never work the other way round, even if the whole world made this claim. Those who tell you that they loved their husbands after marriage didn't actually have any choice, and can never bring this love to the test. Marriage is not a must in itself. It only becomes a must when you decide that. That is, when you have absolute faith in someone, and you feel ready to take your relationship with him to the next level. When you genuinely believe that you can never go through life without this person, only then can you decide that it is time for marriage. You will then find that everything falls into its right place. You won't need a big white dress. You won't care for jewelry. Furniture and electric appliances will go to hell. The happiness in your heart comes from the thought of sharing your life with this person and experiencing everything together. You will find out that a small wedding with family and close friends makes more sense. Those are the people who really care for you and with whom you can share your happiness. You are ready to start your married life at once to experience what it feels like to live together in your own home. Instead of a honeymoon for once, you will plan all your vacations to be romantic and special. You will then discover that marriage is actually the means serving an end.

Here you have it! You are ready now to be in charge. I exposed all the hidden cards in front of you. Take your pick!