V-Day... Stop the Violence 1

With the curent trends and attitudes in modern day Egypt, a very important problem has surfaced that I feel is unacceptable, and attention needs to be brought to that matter.
I am talking of course about violence against women in general, or spouse abuse in particular.
Abuse can be one of 2 types: either emotional or physical. Many factors have promoted this abuse, including te media, misinterpretation of religion, and our mysogynist culture. In older movies, it was not uncommon to see a woman being beaten by a man, and it always shown in a positive light, and the man was always the good guy, because the woman of course deserved it. This led to the acceptance of the concept of domestic violence and abuse, making it appear as a normal every day event, and encouraging people to follow the footsteps of the star in the movie... slowly it became widely acceptable, and mainstream.

Abuse can be one of 2 types, either emotional or physical. Emotional abuse is the least evident form of abuse, yet has the most damaging concequences on the victim. The problem with our society is that it advocates the emotional abuse of women... Girls are taught that they are inferior to boys in childhood. Boys run around as they please, while girls are told, "you are a girl, so you should be quiet".. it is not "natural" for girls to be active or to run around freely or misbehave like boys. As they get older, things only get more difficult and more complicated. Brothers are given control over their sisters, simply because they are males, and therefore should be dominant. They are encouraged to order them around and to monitor their every move... some families go as far as allowing their son to beat their daughter if he feels that she is doing something he does not approve of, or something that may threaten the "family honor". This scenario sets the stage for what is to come later as boys and girls grow to be men and women. In a household, men begin their marriage by trying to establish the fact that they are dominant, every decision that is taken is the man's.. everything the woman does, has to be pre- approved by the man. Family and society encourage him to do that, and tell him he is not a man if he doesnt do that. Some men will force their wives to stay at home. So they are 100% financially dependant on the husband. In return, the wife is expected to attend to her husband's every need. If she doesnt, she is not good enough and needs to be "disciplined" according to the man's standards. And of course according to the way he was raised, "beating" his wife is justified... after all, isn't she the one who didn't have dinner ready on time, or didn't clean the house efficiently enough, or didn't perform a task he asked for in a timely manner? Women are taught that they are nothing without a man.
She does not even have the option of leaving him, which is a right God gave her, but which society has taken away from her. Fanta discussed how women are prevented from seeking a divorce by society here. Some men will even forbid their wives from communicating with their families, and make sure they are totally cut off from all of their friends.... and when these poor women complain, they are told, "you have to obey your husband...it is his right to 'protect' you, and women can spoil (yefsedo) each other, so your husband is only protecting you by cutting you off from your life as you have known it before he married you". Now this may look like a fact of life for some people, or a husband being over protective compared to others, but the truth is: this is a very systematic approach to deprive women of everything they have and to gurantee their total submission and dependance on their partners, so they are unable to function in society... which gives people a reason to forbid them from holding positions or being figures of authority...etc.

This scenario is in fact a direct application of the steps of Psycological abuse!!! Here is how:

Based on an adaptation of work from Alice Miller's For Your Own Good and John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame That Binds You

Authority figures (AF)
1. AF's are the masters of dependants.
2. AF's alone decide what is right and wrong
3. They alone make up the definitions, the rules, and the "consequences" (i.e. punishment)
4. Dependants are held responsible for the AF's feelings (anger, disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, happiness and unhappiness)
5. The AF is only responsible and accountable for good things that happen, never the bad ones. Thus the AF appears to always be right, and when things go wrong the dependant is always blamed and feels responsible and guilty.
6. The AF tries to exercise total control of the dependant by controlling his thoughts, feelings and behavior. Whenever this control is not absolute, the AF feels threatened.
7. The dependant's individuality is minimized as much as possible by the AF.
8. The AF creates an intricate system of punishments and rewards which rob the dependant of any sense of inner direction or esteem.
9. The following freedoms listed by Virginia Satire are denied to the dependant as much as possible:
a) The freedom to perceive b) To think and interpret c) To feel To want, need, and chose
10. The AF never (or rarely) admits mistakes or apologizes.
11. All of the above take place in a way which does not expose the AF's true motives, and none of this is openly talked about. No "back talk" is allowed
Some of the Consequences:
-Mistakes are concealed
-People are under constant stress
-Needs are frustrated, denied
-Fear dominates
-Power is based on fear, not respect
-Information is withheld and distorted
-Information flow is primarily from top down
-Behavior is forced; does not come naturally
-Behavior is not consistent with true feelings, which adds to the stress
-Conflicts and problems are blamed on the dependent's "poor attitudes" and "character flaws."
-All of this tears the dependant person apart, causing self-alienation and even self-loathing. The dependant person loses faith in his/her own mind and feelings with devastating self-esteem consequences.
-Depression, rage, mood swings, co-dependency, self-injury and self-destruction are typical outcomes.
-If the authority figure is a parent, this person will likely develop symptoms of various "disorders" such as the so-called Borderline Personality disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Anoexia, Bulemia etc.

The previous box explains emotional abuse and how it is accomplished, and how it affects the abused person. I copied it from this link

If you read through the points, you will see that we can all agree that points #1,2, and 3 are all systematically carried out in most Egyptian households, and are considered to be traditional values that people should not question. Emotional abuse is mainly having someone depend on you emotionally , financially, socially.. You threaten to leave them or marry someone else if they disobey you.. You cut off ties between them and their friends and family.. You control them financially, then you make them feel that they cannot function in life without you!!!

Point #4 may not be as evident, but it is the one argument used by most Egyptians when they talk to women to see why a husband has cheated on his wife.... For example, if a man cheats, the woman is always told "you are responsible for his bad behaviour... you must have done something wrong, so you were unable to contain him... maybe you are not enough for him... see where you are deficient, and try to fix your flaws, then beg him to come back to you.. maybe if he sees your sincere efforts to correct your faults he will have pitty on you and be yours exclusively"!!! A woman is never encouraged to leave a cheating husband, and of course the welfare of the children is always mentioned as a reason she should tolerate abuse.

On the other hand, if a woman cheats on her husband, then she is a slut and a whore, who does not deserve her husband .. she does not deserve to live .. he is encouraged to throw her out, and never look back.. what she has done is inconceivable and unforgivable. The husband is discouraged from ever forgiving his wife, and to society, she deserves every bad thing that comes her way. The children's welfare in this case is not an issue, since they claim children dont need a mother who cheats on her spouse!! Notice how the man is never at fault.... if he cheats, she is wrong.. If she cheats, she is wrong!!! Men are never wrong in society's twisted logic.

To Be Continued..

Men of the World.. Get Lost

In an earlier post I've discussed a book which prophecized the end of the male species. This time, however, I am not discussing the biological failure of males and the need for them to extinct for environmental balance. I'd rather talk about the social side and why societies have deteriorated whenever they were male-dominated.

Far far long ago, societies were all led by the female, that's what anthropology teaches us. A woman was the leader of her tribe, which mainly consisted of her family members and children. This was the early beginning of what later on was to be called "society". A female leader was able to protect her tribe, organize its life, nourish it, and teach it different skills. She would never think about harming anyone from another tribe. She would never think about making men slaves for the women of the tribe. The idea of ownership itself was not there. Resources were out there given by nature for everybody. (Politics would later on define the need for ownership and struggle to be due to the growing number of people as opposed to limited resources, but that's not our issue here.) What I'm talking about is a point in time when women led their society and were successful, but had no greed or control aims.

Now, what happened later was that men would always look at the land of their neighbours, the cattle they had, the crops, the women ..etc. Then they would go and fight with them to get it by force. The idea of ownership then evolved, there came to be the concept of "this is yours and this is mine". In this new world view, and as men were the ones whose job was to steal things to make them their own, including women of other tribes, they decided that they should rule the members of their new communities.

In the old system, a woman definitely knew her children because she was the one who gave birth to them. On the other hand, a man didn't know his possible connection to those children, he would sleep with a woman and move away, nine monthes after she gives birth without understanding that this man played any role in creating them. But in the new system, women had to convince the man that her children are his also, to be able to protect them and provide for them. He now owns everything and he leads the tribe, so the fate of those helpless children lies within his hands. But how can she convince him that those children are his??

A clever woman then came up with the idea of naming her child after his father, and she would go to him and say this is your son, his name is your name, he is yours, you own him. The idea appealed to men of course. This new system now also enables them to own human beings who hold their names and who can help them in their domination plans (fighting, stealing, building new shelters). Men came to see children as an advantage, and would be kind to women who bring them lots of children. They then would own the mother as well, she is the factory of their own kids and noone else can share her. A man has to be sure that he is raising his own blood, so if the mother of his children happens to play around she is kicked out of the tribe and her children would not have his name.

Now what's next?.. accordingly, the idea of pure blood became an obsession and women were confined to their tribes. They will not to go on trips as they used to in the old days. They can't go to explore the land or plant the seeds as they were used to. (By the way, women were the first who discovered the secrets of the soil and planting, they are the ones who invented agriculture.) So, men were given all the jobs that required outside cruising. They would also plant and they would bring the crops home for the women to store them and prepare daily meals. Women stayed home to give birth, feed their babies and their cattle. What an interesting life!

But how successful were men in leading their societies? Well, this system is what we now call the patriarchal society, where men lead and dominate everything, leaving almost no room for anybody else. This full domination came to control women not only physically, but intellectually and psychologically as well.

Patriarchal societies lack lots of human values, like equality, justice, respect for the other, freedom, democracy, beauty, peace, tolerance, and many others. As I've previously discussed in my post "Power, Politics and Gender", men have proved to be control freaks. They would stop at nothing to fill their greed and lust, no matter who they crush in the process. They are drunk with power and they don't care if the whole world would turn into flames as long as they will stay stand on the top of the heap of ruins. They don't believe in evolution and the changes happening around them. They want to freeze everthing around them, as if it is a DVD movie that they can pose on the image of Si Sayed. They want to keep on enjoying all the advantages without ever sharing them with anyone else. They raise their sons to become the same dictators and they raise their daughters to become slaves, so that their cycle of control and oppression will never be broken. They brainwash the women in order to make them believe that they can do nothing better in life than to serve them and their children.

Everywhere you go there are men telling you what you should do. They design the syllabus at schools, they are the priests at church and the sheikhs in mosques, they are the controllers of media, they are the movie producers, they are the song writers, they are the historians, they are blocking every tiny space that would allow you to see the light.

In order for our societies to evolve those men should get lost and allow us some air. They've already done much damage with their blind desire for control. Don't wait for them to throw all of this long history and to break the vicious cycle of their grandfathers out of good wills. THEY WON'T. Like all the dictators, they won't leave their thrones or quit their oppressive ways until they die. The only way to change such a system is a revolution, a revolution that would set things right.

But some naive women are waiting for men to make this revolution for them. Imagine how silly and lazy some women have become!! Have you ever seen a master make a revolution for slaves? When will we wake up? When will take our destiny into our own hands and change this bleak picture? If not for us, let it be our gift to the coming generations who don't deserve to find the world the way we found it. For their sake let's say, "Men of the world, Get Lost!"

Power, Politics, and Gender

Injustice is a cosmic plague. Countries can be imperialistic and oppressive while others are weak and helpless. Dictators abuse their powers within their countries. And likewise men and women fit into this cycle. You can not tell which leads to the other: Is it the weakness of the weak which tempts the powerful to take advantage? Or the absolute power in the hands of the powerful which causes others to submit in fear?

Whether it is this or that, democratic countries have invented a system which helps in the prevention of power abuse. They have constructed systems which would enable the public to supervise the performance of their rulers and give them the power to share in decision making. They also invented something called "voting", to guarantee that whoever comes to power has the approval of the public.

However, this did not stop dictators from having their way inside their countries. Their elections are rigged. Their parliament is mere décor. Their media is under control. Their laws enable them to do the most horrible crimes legally. Thus, the public in those countries are in such a vulnerable position that they don't even know their rights to ask for them.

Powerful countries do the same with developing and under-developed countries. They dictate their demands, and even enforce them when necessary. They use the weakness and poverty of those countries for their own benefits. They don't bother with big words like "human rights", "equality", "justice", "world peace", …etc. As long as sabotaging those weaker countries secures their superior state, they will stop at nothing to reach their goals. They have the UN under their power. The have the veto. They can even break international resolutions, like the US did in its war on Iraq. Who can do anything about it? To hell with the international community, do they have any power to stop me?

People, like countries, can get drunk with power. We live in a sexist society, where men resemble Israel and women resemble Arabs. Every day Israel takes more lands from Arabs. It can kill them and bomb their homes at any time. Then those Arabs will simply yell and scream, jump up and down, but what can they do about it? They will go to the Security Council? So what? The former Israeli prime minister, Menachem Begin , once said it: "As long as the Arabs haven't learned to stand in a line, they don't pose any threat to us". Meaning that Arabs will never see the true reasons behind their weakness. They can't see that they're weak cause they don't work on improving themselves. They are just begging for justice from other powerful countries. They worship their leaders although they humiliate them. They don't value time or hard work. They are far from scientific thinking and organized action. Such people can wait thousands of years for a miracle to liberate them, but they don't even deserve this miracle.

Women likewise will never receive liberation from their oppressors who thrive upon all the advantages they derive from their superior position. As long as they have got all the power in their hands they will never give any of it up, but will always seek to gain more. Unless women stand up on their feet, define their weaknesses and work on improving their condition, they will never gain any of their rights. Begging for our rights won't lead us anywhere. Only slaves liberated slaves, and only women can liberate women. No one can feel your pain except a woman like you. But the endless waiting for a miracle.. waiting for men to change.. waiting for society to change.. waiting for an upper hand all the time.. waiting, waiting, waiting, will only make us weaker and cause us to lose the respect of society. Are you happy with being the doll you are? If no, then get up and do something about it. Wake up women!.. It's too late already!