Monday, September 10

Too Much Love Will Kill You


What a classic! A lovely song by Queen, that I always hear buzzing at the back of my head every time I totally lose myself in doing something I love. I'm a workaholic and unlike people who find it as something to be proud of, I try to cure it. I wanna have a social life. I wanna hang out more with my friends. I wanna go shopping and enjoy the tiny joys of life. I wanna have vacations. I wanna go on long walks. I wanna read more novels. I want many things, but I always keep them second to work.

Enough wishful thinking.. The reason why I chose this song to be my topic is that I see lots of young girls who would go as far as destroying their lives in the name of love. I'm not against love. I'm not even against crazy love, deadly romantic love.. you name it. But what I'm against is a false understanding of love; the destructive love that turns your whole life up-side-down, just to chase an illusion.

Let me be clearer. Of course most of us have gone through this experience of what's-so-called "first love", when you're a teenager and you just fall off your feet for someone who is your total opposite for no reason. Sounds familiar? You invest months and may be years in this "relationship" only to discover that it was nonsense. Just a training for your new emotional skills. Something to get you started for a life of dating. You were just exploring what it's like to be in a relationship, that's all. This person whom you used to see as an angel lacking two wings, you now discovered that he's only a below-average fellow, one you can never be attracted to now by any means. It is so strange that what seemed to you as the most genuine feeling of all, has turned to be so fake. Even your suffering from a broken heart now seems ridiculous, something to laugh at rather than to be sorry for.

Yet, you can read in newspapers about teenage girls who eloped with their boyfriends, or others who would get married via a piece of paper or a secret exchange of vows. They are girls who got trapped into this false experience and can not see anything further. Usually they are the ones who have oppressive parents, who can't even handle the thought that their little girl is attracted to a guy in her dreams. That's why, their repressed feelings along with their lack of guidance and the sudden emotional burst they experience at this age result in a poisonous combination that intoxicates their brains, making them take such drastic decisions. There's no need to get into further details about what happens next. We all know.

However, teenage girls are not the only ones who get trapped in such a way.. Often we see mature women who are not so mature when it comes to issues of the heart: Women who date guys that are way beneath them; Women who would do foolish things for love; Women who would know that the guy is a player but insist to go on with the relation; Women who are willing to go as far as losing their personality for the person they love; Women who are willing to give up everything in return for nothing; Women who take full responsibility of their partners (along with the financial responsibilities in many cases) just for love; Women who date married men; Women who get veiled out of love (I'm seeing a lot nowadays), Women who quit their jobs to please their partners; Women who allow themselves to be taken advantage of... an endless list.

I've always wondered why? Whenever I see one of those beautiful and well-educated girls who go suddenly blind and date someone who has Mr. Wrong written all over him, I always ask why? I heard a lot of stories about from women trying to explain what they think was the reason (mostly when the thing ends), but I was never convinced. Most of them would just throw the common "love is blind" at you, as if it explains itself. Many keep saying how attached to the person they were that they couldn't break free. Many say they were totally deceived, that the guy was an excellent actor. Others say they've already invested too much in the relationship that they were reluctant to quit. (Those are somewhat honest with themselves.) And you can often hear something as naïve as "I thought he loved me. He said he loved me. Why would I suspect that he lies?"

I'm so good at reading eyes by the way? Haven't I ever told you so? Well, just for the record, I'm damn good at it.

What I saw in all those female eyes was lack of self-confidence. That was it, nothing else. They can keep listing all the fake reasons in the world. But they don't do the effort of digging deep inside them to know where the problem lies. That's why you often see them repeating their mistakes, as if they learned absolutely nothing from their previous experiences. They always do it with the thought that "this person is different," and then when the same scenario repeats itself, you find the girl say, "It seems I always attract the wrong guys." They can't admit it to themselves that they do have a problem. Yes, in spite of all their excellent qualities, they are allowing themselves to be fooled.. of course not in a direct sense, but by living in denial.

Most of us were raised in such a way which left us insecure. If we really care to find a cure, I believe we shouldn't deny it. The up-bringing along with the treatment we receive from society has left a gap inside our souls. We tend to react to that by proving that we have a lot to offer, even if it is for the wrong person, seeking to fill this gap. We get too weak when someone shows interest in us, especially if he has some superficial qualities that would mark him as attractive: like being handsome, being rich, being successful, having a sense of humor… etc. The social image that they keep chasing us with all the time is that to be complete is to have a man by your side. We took it to mean that to be loved by a man is the most important thing in life, while in fact it's not. Most of us would then exaggerate in their efforts to keep this man. To most girls, a man who loves them (or claims to love them) is good enough. Therefore, a girl doesn't look any further. She doesn't care to put him to the test. She doesn't take time to analyze his actions or words. He is the best man as long as he showed interest in her. That's why she would put all her doubts to sleep. She will only concentrate on making him her own, wearing his ring.

Girls, if you think your luck alone is guilty of making you always fall for the wrong man, please think again. If you think that love is blind, and that the only way for showing love is losing your love of yourself, you are totally misled. Love, like any partnership, is give and take. If it's one-sided, one giver and one taker, it means failure. Admire your good qualities and don't ever settle for anything less than what you truly deserve. It's your own life, don't waste it. Too much love may kill you.

To all of you who can relate to this post, I dedicate those parts of the song:

I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find
Where I went wrong
Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the loverAnd the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time

Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time

Too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end...

20 comments:

ياسمين said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ياسمين said...

every word you have said is right

but

-love is a dam killer even if its not too much.

-men are stupid enough to make our life like a hill.

-men and women are different, completely different.

-we must remember that, men are hunters. thats why they are losing interest when they couch the hunted woman.

finally
please keep going, you are great

Fantasia said...

dear yasmine,
always glad to see your comments. thanks for your wonderful encouragement. It's for gorgeous women like you that I keep on fighting any frustration that might attack me. I want as many girls as possible to reach the same degree of wisdom to be able to take better decisions in their lives.
You've raised the issue of men being hunters. Therefore, I invite you to read my old post "Men Out of the Jungle". I shall publish its arabic translation soon.
Love can be destructive as you said, especially with women who don't know the different nature of men. In a world where men are crazy, it becomes a woman's duty to set things right.
All my respect.

Masria said...

بوست رائع كالعادة
:)
متفقة مع جزء كبير من كلامك .. خصوصا فكرة إن أهم حاجة في حياة أي بنت إنها تلاقي واحد يحبها .. من وجهة نظري هى حاجة مهمة .. بس مش أهم حاجة
إن واحدة تضحي بكل حاجة عشان واحد بيتهيألها إنه بيحبها أو إنها بتحبه .. أنا مش ضد إني أضحي .. بس زي ما هاتخلى عن حاجة يبقى هو كمان يتخلى عن حاجة .. حتى لو باحبه فعلا و بيحبني
تحياتي

اجندا حمرا said...

dear fantasia
i know i know im bad two beautiful posts from u and i havent commented on them
i just want now to wish u a happy ramadan i promise u i will write more next time plz dont be upset i just didnt want to miss congratulating u on the holy month of ramadan kol sana wenti taiba my dear
i be back soon dont worry
:)

Fantasia said...

masria,
missed you so much. where have you been all this time? thanks for your comment and looking forward to more of your contribution to this blog, dear.
what you said is exactly what i meant. love and give but to someone who is not taking advantage of you, for someone who appreciates your love and is able to control his selfishness. Wishing you all the best in love and life.

Fantasia said...

agenda,
you make me miss you too much. happy ramadan. thanks for the sweet greeting my dear. you're being sweet as usual and i'm waiting for your comments as promised. have a blessed and wonderful ramadan.

Sharm said...

okay , it is nice post but i am not agree with Yasmin

We r not hunters , we are human too and have many good feelings !

Cheers

Fantasia said...

sharm,
welcome to my blog. thanks for your invitation to WUB. glad you liked the post.
i'm sure that yasmine didn't mean any offence by her comment. when she said men are hunters she ment the way they hook up with females, not that they are not human or anything.
wish to receive more of your comments in the future.

Amre El-Abyad said...

Fantasia

While I admit that things are not quite so fair for women in Egypt, I still have o acknowledge that they equally share the responsibilty with men. Women's mindsets are totally comfortable with the state of men-women relations in Egypt. They compalin about the rules of the game the same way men do, they never, however, try to change them........

Men and women are both human beings, afterall..the bond that develops between them is basically a chemical reaction with many ingrdients including trust , passion, lust, reciprocality........etc. A perfect relation is impossible just like any other process in our world

The Alien said...

and no love will kill u too

Fantasia said...

amre,

welcome to my blog and thanks for the insights. You have all the right to believe thagt women are comfortable with the way things are and that they do nothing to change whatever they're complaining of.
My aim here is to expose social injustice and sexist practices in the hope that females will realise that their suffering has no justification. I also seek to encourage them to do something about their lives before it's too late. I wish to inspire them to change, even if not for themselves, but for the future generations.
Women in Egypt are both victims and criminals. Yet, if we could avoid them from being vitimized in such a way, we may prevent them from committing those crimes they commit against themselves and against society as a whole.
This post does not claim that a perfect relationship is possible. It is merely a wake-up call to all females. I believe that curing their self-confidence issues would help them make better choices, even if not perfect.

Fantasia said...

alien,
welcome back. hope you had a great vacation.
I agree with you. Of course that's not what I propose as an alternative. In fact, there is a part of the song I wrote down there that says exactly the same:

Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all

e said...

For a change, I agreed with the bigger part of your post. I do, however, have one correction to make. You claim that society is partly to blame for the state of insecurity that women in Egypt suffer from. This is untrue. Insecure women exist in all societies and span multiple cultures. Even in countries like the US, where women have achieved huge strides in liberation. As a matter of fact, I am inclined to say that in my personal experience I have found insecurity among younger women to be more abundant in the US than in Egypt. This is especially true among female teens that succumb to the social pressures and end up losing their virginities at a young age because their peers expect them to do so. Having said that, I would put more of the blame on the parents rather than society.

Finally, it is worth noting that I enjoyed the post and actually read it to the end!!! Well … I did skip the song though.

-e

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Fantasia said...

e,
that's good news. i have to admit that it feels strange not to be criticized by you. hope it won't be the last time though.
i agree that the bigger responsiblity for female insecurity lies on the parents; but we can't forget that they bring up their daughters in the way which society dictates. Still they should we wise enough to follow those rules blindly. But this demands a great amount of awareness and courage which the majority of people in Egypt don't have (yet).

e said...

fantasia,

i got this email yesterday that reminded me of you ... so i am pasting it on here for your reference. you are welcome to re-use it anywhere on your blog. anyway, here it is:

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question, "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asked, "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said "Yes."

She began to expound.

"As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what can he do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?"
The man looked at her.

Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought and stated.

"I am not referring to money." I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.

I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked. Believers mixed with Unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. And even if he is a believer; we need to be like-minded.

I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden.

I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, and strong enough to keep me grounded when I do go through changes. I don't need a man who is going to purposely bring me grief.

I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him and he must respect me.

I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business or who is "messy" in his personal affairs. I have no problem being submissive.. . but he has to be worthy.

God made woman to be a help mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself. If he can't help himself then he definitely can't help me.

When she finished her spiel, she looked at him.

He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.

He said," You are asking a lot.

"She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

Send this to every woman you know who's worth a lot.
You never know, she may be suffering from low-self esteem and may not know her worth.

And send this to every man who needs to know this and ask him "What can YOU bring to the table?"

-e

Fantasia said...

e,
thanks for sharing this valuable piece. I've raised the same question of "What can men bring to the table?" in an older post: "Can't live with them, and yes, you can live without them."
It's so true. While women stopped being dependent, men are the ones who still need women to take care of them. Not only so, they demand women to act as if they are the ones who can't live without them and to be submissive.
Liked it so much.

اجندا حمرا said...

dear fantasia

thank u for your great understanding u know i miss interacting with u always as u r on top of my most fav writers of all time:-)not a compliment belive me u always prove this with the issues u r dealing wiz always here

a very important issue u r talking about fantasia and i have to admit i totally agree with what u r saying
me too not at all against true strong romantic love but im against things that blinds the senses and giving up everything for the sake of love

i am surprised when i hear about a girl who gives up her family for the sake of her man ok u love him so much try another way
قد كده يعني اهلك مايفرقوش معاكي
the funny thing fantasia is that after a while when love fades due to daily life u find that girl feeling indifferent about her choice in the first place

i belive that there is a positive love and a negative one
a love that pushes u always forward and a love that is trying to get u down and hinders u from achieving everything in life

like when a man marries a girl and she is well educated and is working and he starts ordering her to stay at home
belive me if this is out of love and care he would have understood why she is working but it is out of ordering her around just like this nothing more
sometimes even love that begings very very strong ends in a tragic way
i also do belive that love that grows gradually has a better chance for living and both parties should be realistic
we shouldnt be always the givers or the takes life like u said is about give and take and it is not something to be ashamed of

thank u so much fantasia for the strong fantasic topic and sorry again for talking too much
best regards to you my friend
:-)

Fantasia said...

dear agenda,
i forgive your long absence as long as you always come back with your enjoyable comments. still i can't help missing your presence here.
thanks agenda for your continuous encouragement and sweet words. it is always a pleasure to read what you have to say about my posts.
you are absolutely true. relationships in our societies need to be reframed. love is not the only ingredient that needs to be present in a relationship. yes, it is important, but it can be misleading, an inexperienced girl can easily confuse attraction with love. we should talk to the young girls more about romance and relationships, not leaving them to movies and novels.
they have to know how to differeniate between reality and imagination. they also have to know where to set limits in a relationship.
thanks for adding up your valuable thoughts here. please don't be sorry for writing much. the more you write, the happier i am.

"When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid" - Audre Lorde