Wednesday, October 31

Egyptian Women Are Never Wives.. Only Mothers

A couple of day ago I received a comment on my post "Desperate Housewives" asking me for advice on a very common problems which all wives face nowadays: the pampered husband, who was spoiled by his mother beyond repair, and who wouldn't give a hand with the housework or the kids even when his wife is about to drop dead of fatigue.

Before I go any further, here's the message I received:

"so what do you do when you are not like that but your husband demands it and expects it? he will not help, he will not pick up, he will complain about you not doing everything after all, he makes the money.... why arent you doing your job, when he is clearly doing his and bringing home the bacon??? what do you do if he will not watch the kids for 1 second?? you can either chase the kids all over the place, or you can ignore them like he does, while one puts his fingers in the electric socket, and the other tries to test how sharp the scissors are when he pokes them into his open eyes! and accidents have happened before, so you know he will realy not look at them , and they will get hurt!!! so do you keep on doing what you have to do? do you leave him??? is it worth leaving him?? what if he is nice and loving and supportive, but just useless around the house and with the kids?? what do you do when you are overwhelmed and feel like there is no way out?? do you destroy your family go home and sit next to your parents if you dont work? do you destroy your family and live alone with the exact same responsibilities and less money if you do work? how do you change an egyptian husband? how do you throw all the garbage he learned from his mother out the window, and help him learn to be an equal partner?? do you let your kids get hurt because he is careless? do you live in filth because he doesnt pick up after himself? do you go hungry because no one will help in the kitchen? what are you supposed to do?? Do you just put up with him, and work realy hard night and day to go to work, clean the house,make dinner, feed the kids, pay the bills, do the laundry, while he sits on the couch and watches TV, or goes out to hang with a friend, or invite a friend over to watch a soccer match?? what's a girl to do??? i know i will teach my sons to be supportive husbands... but what about me?? fighting doesnt work, yelling and screaming dont work, asking nicely doesnt work!how do you cure years of wrong upbringing without wrecking your life in the process??"

If this sounds familiar to you.. or if you know of someone who's facing the same problem.. or if you have fears about meeting the same fate.. then listen up.. that's something you also should know.

First of all you should never give up on yourself. If you do, then don't expect any better from anyone else. If you believe that you are not getting the treatment you deserve, don't swallow the disappointment in silence and just decide to give in. You must clearly define the line the seperates sacrifice from being taken advantage of. When you allow youself to be drained off by a selfish partner, you are not doing anybody any good, and I've explained that in the previously mentioned post. The burden will keep on piling up until it breaks your spine and your spirit as well. Your marriage will roll down hill so swiftly, that after years from now, you won't be able to figure out a meaning for your life. All the joys will lose their sweetness, cause bitterness has a much stronger taste that covers up anything else. So, don't give up trying to fix your family life. Several failed attempts are not the end of the world.

If you honestly believe that your kids are not safe with their father, then I'm sorry to tell you that you ain't safe either. A man who will harm his kids just because he can't take good care of them, or because he prefers to lie in his laziness, is not someone that you can feel safe with. He is clearly insane. But you say that he is kind and loving. If you trust that, then the kids will just be fine with him.

Now, here's the trick. Men like your husband will do their best to lower the expectations of their wives about what they can do around the house. Give them a simple thing to do and they will make a mess. Tell them to take care to the kids and they will make you regret it. They want to send the message "you cannot depend on me honey. I'll screw things up for you. I'm not good at those things. You are the expert. This family will be much better and safer if you take care of everything youself."

It is true that Egyptian mothers spoil their kids, especially the boys. Most men live with their parents until they get married. And as I said before, they marry another mother instead of a life partner. So, if you fit in this new role, he will be so comfortable and go on with his life in the same way without ever reaching maturity. His mother spoiled the kid and the young man, but you are spoiling the husband and the father. So, by allowing him to sit on the couch switching channels while you are head to toes into housework and taking care of the kids, you are committing a bigger crime. This man will never experience what it is to be a husband or a father. He will never mature, thanks to you. Now, don't get mad when you are rushing to get those kids ready for school while he comes up to you with a button in his hand saying, "this button came off while I was wearing my shirt. I need it done quickly. I can't think of something else to wear." He is another one of the kids. You need to dress him up for work too! He holds the button desperately in his hand, needing you to work your motherly magic to get it back into its place. He has no idea about how you perform this amazing art of sewing. And he certainly doesn't want to know anything about the process. He prefers to view it as a mysterious trick that only you, mama, can perform.

You will be amazed when you learn that this same man can take very good care of himself. If he happened to live alone, even for a short period, ask him about how he managed his life then. He cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, paid the bills, ... and everything just went fine. Or.. He can tell you about his memories back in college when he and a group of male friends spent the summer together. They all worked in harmony to keep the place they rented clean. They prepared delicious snacks. They went to buy grocery. They had to wash their clothes manually, cause they couldn't afford to get a place with a washing machine. And to drive you crazy, he will laugh and say how much they enjoyed doing these thing. He wishes those old days would be back.

So, what has happened? Heaven sent him a second mother. You. He must make use of that. But wait.. it's not because he is evil. He simply can't get himself to do women's work when there is a woman in the house. Men make fun of husbands who help their wives with the housework. They tell jokes about men who love cooking (although cooking is an art). They consider male hairdressers, fashion designers, make-up artists, (in short any man who is in a business serving women) to be gays! That's the whole male-culture. They consider those who do women's work as not masculine, that is to say, they are less-men. How can a manly man wear a kitchen apron and stand in the kitchen peeling onions? The media had also played a role in stressing this false belief. Basic survival skills like preparing your food, cleaning your place, washing your clothes, are considered by men to be low jobs. Something for maids and women. This was the classic belief in times when women were thought to have lower IQs than men. But it continued to survive even after this was proven to be totally false, and even in the 21st century. This male-culture has to keep reproducing the same false ideas in order to keep male advantages secure. So, your husband can't make fun of someone and then go back home to do exactly what the victim of his redicule was doing.

Does that mean that there is nothing to be done to fix that? Of course not. There are two ways to solve this problem:

1. Forcing him to help, which you already tried with no avail. Some men will only feel forced to do things when their wives are not around. Like if you had to travel, for example.

2. Bringing him up. He is still a dependent child, and the only way to fix his mother's mistake is to continue the process where she abandoned it. It becomes your duty to lead him into real manhood and maturity. Talk to him and educate him (of course without making him feel that he is immature). Most wives think that husbands already know how they feel, and so they don't talk about it to avoid being pitiful. Yet, he truely has no exact idea about the pain and the frustration that you are suffering from. He isn't totally innocent, but he is not the grown up man that you thought him to be before marriage. Talk to him about the dream you had of the perfect family, and how you imagined your relationship to be like. Tell him that you fear that you are drifting away from that beautiful image, but that you are not willing to give it up. You (both) want and you deserve a perfect family. The happiness of this family depends on you both. Tell him about how you feel when you watch him being idle while you are exhausted and stressed with overwork. Ask him to put himself in your shoes. Ask him about how he would feel and what he would think. Ask him to predict how this will affect your relationship as time goes by. Is it bringing you any closer? Is it making him any happier? Would he really be happy if for the sake of enjoying his full spare time now, he is risking the future of his marriage? Does this hour in front of TV deserve having a silent marriage for a lifetime.. where each one of you dwells in his own world? Be sure to tell him that you know what men think about housework, that you understand the psychological barrier that is preventing him from helping you. Let him say that his love to you and his family is stronger than any false conceptions that might prevent you from reaching happiness and intimacy. Let him suggest a list of things that he thinks he can do around the house. Ask him if it is too difficut for him to collect the laundry, seperate the light and dark colors, put each group in the machine with soap and press a button. Make it sound easy and fun.. Just as if you are teaching a kid. If he screws up once, be patient. Gently tell him what was wrong and make sure you encourage him to try again. Praise everything he does, but without exaggeration. Encourage him to spend some quality time with the kids, not just watch over them. Kids who have early memories which involve both parents are always happier and smarter.

Marriage is a lifelong investment. If you never receive any profits, you will go bankrupt at any moment. Let your investment grow by seeking profit for all members of the family.. you included.


اجندا حمرا said...

Good morning Fantasia,

what an interesting topic

i was talking about something silimilar yesterday with one of my male coworkers,i was discussing with him why some husbands change completely after marriage and stop things they were doin to their women before marriage like goin out more,remembering the important dates like her birthday,valentine

he said life before marriage is completely different from it after marriage,dont expect me to get up in the morning get the kids into school ,they go to work,then back to the kids getting them from school and back home tired
u expect me to be romantic around all of this
i said it is heart breaking to be practical like that everybody needs a nice word,a warm touch not every now and then but everyday
i cant imagine being with someone so cold hearted like this

he said she knows i love her i dont need to say it always but i wasnt convinced by what he said

i know fantasia that what im talking about is not exactly around your topic but it is also something very important husbands usually forget about it

most of the egyptian families brings their male kids like what u mentioned they r the kings and their sisters should do all the work

u know what ?what u said is right men all of them knows how to serve themselves cause if they happen to live alone say for work mission or something like that,of course they wont go hungry so they have to take care of themselves ,not everyone will get a maid if he is living alone but this completely changes when he marries u know funny but true i was watching a food programe and the chief was a male ,a listener called him asking him if he helps his wife as he is a great chief he said he forgets all about food when he is back home
i think men should change their point of view about helping their wives specially if their wives also working moms

it doesnt make them less if they helped even with small things in the house,just to show some appreciation for the work done also
u know fantasia i hear also about husbands who find it so hard to say thank u my sweetheart for the nice food u have prepared
a nice compliment but sure will make a big difference
as most men my dear r stubborn so like u said their wives shouldnt talk to them asking them to help with house work in an ordering way but in a nice way starting with small things like u mentioned

thank u fantasia for the interesting issue and sorry if i was talkative

another thing i was meant to say before u can never imagine how happy iam for the presence of someone as understanding and supportive like u dear in my life

thank u fantasia for always supporting me and for your precious advice always

wishing u good luck my dear

اجندا حمرا said...

sorry fantasia for the mispelling in similar in my previous comment

Dr. Eyad Harfoush said...

Dear Fantasia,
Confession: I am one of these pampered men who their mothers (God bless mine" spoiled them. When it happened to stay alone once in Saudi, I did not do the things you assumed I will do, I got a maiden to clean, I had my clothes to laundry, I ate in restaurants and fast food for a one whole year. I was not very rich but I spent every penny on this for one year. Simple

As a husband I can look after kids but can not do any of these, I tried and really screwed things up. It is bad I know, never said it is an advantage. My mother spoiled us all, males and females. females got trained after they became mothers, me and my brother did not.

Still, even a man like me can make it less tough to his wife, he can ask her some days to drop everything and spend a day outside, ask her to take a vacation from cooking and get food by delivery whenever she is bored or busy in exams, make her a tea sometimes, show grattitude for her efforts. Things can go in different ways

Advice to Ladies, if you can pamper him as a lover, he will ignore the child cuddling staff, he will not care much for it. That is it, a wife is a mother and mistress, a husband is a father and lover, each role can be compensated by the other. Thanks

Deeeeeee said...

Dearest Fantasia! I've been reading your posts for quite a while now.. months actually, and I fear that you seem to me like you've got a lot of things mixed-up about women! Well, we're not exactly bent over and beaten up!

I agree that there are people who abuse women given that they are the gentler sex, but there are so many people who respect women for being human beings with opinions and personality!! So it depends on the person treating a woman, the woman herself!

Don't tell me that you haven't come across girls who only give a damn about looking well enough to attract guys, and others who think they're worthless when they're single and others who think they should live for a family! But that is the case everywhere dear not just here!

You say "Egyptian women are never wives only mothers!" well, it is not true.. Egyptian women with enough personality and thought are wives, mothers, lovers, friends and partners!

Unlike Egypt, single mothers are all over the world! So just because the society is male stereotyped, that doesn't make all men abusive pigs!
FYI! Every single society is male stereotyped! I don't know who the regular followers of your blog are, but please be cautious about the image you give about a country, especially one! MY COUNTRY!

على باب الله said...

well , an outstanding post

and i couldn't agree more with it


but there's one part of it you missed .. it's the freeky relegious part

i once sat with a taxi driver who used to talk things like :

دي الفطرة بتاعة الستات

ربنا فطرهم علي الضعف

من فطرة الست أنها تقعد في البيت تربي العيال

شوف يا باشا .. البت من صغرها تحب تلعب بالعرايس و تربي القطط و الكلام اللي بالك منه ده

سبحان الله .. دي الفطرة يا باشا .. ها نعترض علي فطرة ربنا ؟؟


and to the rest of the shit talk that happened to fall on some welcoming ears .. and acquire itself a fact- like form

and breed among other hollow headed peeps , like a fire spreading in a hay barn


moreover .. even some relegious females started to believe that shit

and they now think that god made them as a domestic creatures that live and grow only indoors

if they got exposed to the light they'll die

just like germs and fungi

that's why they tend to always hide behind the scarfs and the nequab


but yet again they believe they have a big role in the bed though

so i guess they are more like

bed insects ..


Fantasia said...

Dear agenda,
your active participation here adds lots of richness to the discussions, really. you can never imagine how happy i feel when reading your comments. you add valuable information as well as writing down your insights, and that generates even more topics for discussions. you shouldn't thank me for anything. girls with similar minds should always be there for one another. by supporting one another we are serving a higher aim. we provide a welcoming community for others like us who might feel lost in the middle of a society which doesn't make any effort to understand them or motivate them to be independent. you, in particular, are such a dear sister. you supported this whole blog from the very beginning, and gave it the first push forward. your wonderful blog is a haven for free thinkers. you were able to rise above all the criticism and obstacles facing you, in order to give hope to others who might feel trapped in a same situation, but weren't lucky enough to possess your strength and courage. so i should thank you for all that.

this coworker of yours is very narrow minded. i certainly pity him, as much as i pity all other men who think in the same way. verbal expression of feelings is so important. what will he lose if he said some nice words to his wife? will his tongue come off? and what if he ordered roses by phone to be delivered home on Valentine's day? seriously those men have got spider webs inside their brains. they are a mess. they don't see the possibility of a romantic life after marriage, because each one wants to be like his father. even if his father was not happy in his marriage. still he wants to be a copy of him without any improvements.
you know what? men believe that romantic acts are just tools to get women to fall for them. once they get married, the tool expires. then routine controls their lives in a horrible way. men think that in order to be the master, you shouldn't show any sign of weakness towards your wife. if you keep showering her with love, she might make use of that against you, and eventually control you. if you thank her for the food and other efforts she does around the house, she will forget that those are her duties. the list of trash is endless believe me.
if a woman wants to change that, she has to be brave and outspoken. but most women just get too shy or too disappointed. that's why their children pay the price. in my point of view, children raised by silent parents and much worse than those whose parents are divorced. imagine living in a house of wax!
oh.. the talk just goes on and on with you. btw, i read your brilliant story about the prostitute. loved it. didn't have time to comment then, but i had to let you know i read it.

Fantasia said...

dear eyad,
i'm so pleased you came forward with this confession. what you said can actually be added to this post as a testemony.. but don't worry my friend, i won't do this to you. it's enough that you can see that it is not really something to be proud of.
yet, i found you were so cunning. (don't ever think about playing smart games with me.) you never said that not learning to do these things was wrong, and you didn't mention any intention from your part to overcome this shortage. you talked about making up for what you can't (and apparently won't) do. i'm sorry to tell you that you are evading housework on purpose.
you said you sisters were pampered in the same way, yet they learned how to manage their homes after marriage. so, what made your sisters able to acquire those skills, while you and your brother could not? may i ask?
and what you suggest a husband can do is mainly offering occasional alternatives (delivery, restaurant)and nice gestures. sorry, but i call that a bribe.
i mean what if your wife decides that the whole family will depend on delivery? what if she chose to let you live in the same way you lived in KSA? would you take that to be a good solution?
what if new wives who don't know how to manage the house (and they are a lot these days) refused to learn those skills? don't you think it will be their right as much as it is men's right? women are not more educatable than men after all.
believe me those women who learn to do things for the first time do screw up a lot. there is no one by their side to tell them what to do. at least a husband will be helped and instructed by his wife, so he needn't worry much about screwing up.
if by mere logic you do believe that cooking, hoovering, washing, sewing..etc are survival skills that any adult should know about, then why do you avoid learning those skills? or you also believe that they are unfit for men? in this case, i would really be interested to know what lies at the heart of matters. it will be very useful to all women here. please do me this favor.

Fantasia said...

dear deeeeeeee, (don't know how many "e"s)

i'd like you to know that no matter what you think about me or my blog, you will always be welcomed here. in fact, i was so flattered that someone who doesn't agree with what i write has been reading my posts for months! that's really good. and i needed to hear a different voice around here. i wish you had commented earlier.. may be discussions over here would have been a lot richer.
you say you don't know my regulars. well, this i can tell you: 90% of them are egyptians (girls, boys, women and men) who happen to agree at least with the broadlines defined here. so, having you among them will add much needed variation.

all of that was just to welcome you onboard..

now, first of all, please DO NOT FYI ME dear. i guess that someone who has read even 1/4 of the posts here would clearly see that i'm not one of the crowd. i repect my readers a lot. including those who scribe insults all around, that's why i never replied to their comments. moreover, their comments get deleted cause i wouldn't like your or anyone else's eyes to fall upon a dirty word here. rules of etiquette then require that you address me with a better tone than FYI, "be cautious" and the likes.

from what you wrote i can clearly see that you are young and single. i can even make the wild guess that you also have a sort of inner struggle (in its scientific sense). at least we can agree on one thing, that what you refer to as "your country" is also mine. i don't have any foreign blood running in my veins. and the very reason i started this blog was out of my love for my country (read my profile if you don't believe it).

your weird choice of the post under which you left your comment really got me rubbing my head.. "can't she see that i am responding to a specific case?" i said to myself.

i can understand that a young lady like you doesn't want to believe that things are that bad in our society. and i can not blame you for that. you still have a long life ahead of you, and a lot of experiences that are yet to meet you. if i were in your place, i wouldn't like to find someone telling me that men are hopeless and that women must end up oppressed. i wouldn't like to know that husbands change after marriage and that wives are suffering. i wouldn't like to see that women in our society are not respected and are considered inferior to men. it is rather painful i have to admit.

egypt indeed is not lonely planet. but like all other third world countries, it still needs to take many steps on the road to development and human rights. things are never perfect anywhere in the world, but certainly there is a huge difference between women conditions in our country and those in other more civilized parts of the globe.

there are two approaches we can take here:
1. pretend that things are just fine the way they are. keep silent about the increasing number of victims of rape, sexual harrasment and abuse. disregard the fact that our families are not happy, due to absence of equality and the frustration this results in. disregard that egypt has the highest rate in heart diseases and depression. forget about street children who are the result of poverty when it is combined with rape, divorce, polygamy, illegal marriages, ignorant mothers with no income, or abusive parents..even if we have torbeenis filling the streets. so what?
2- do something positive. take part in the development of our country and be responsible citizens.

so what do you think? am i harming OUR COUNTRY with this blog? am i the one giving a bad image of our country? what about those who practice FGM on their daughters? what about those who went on a harassing parade downtown? what about those who kill their daughters or sisters because of rumors? what about those who refuse to educate their daughters? what about the 11 year old mother? what about those who sell their daughters to arabs? am i more dangerous than all those?

i wish i could be that powerful and influencial. but unfortunately no matter how large the number of my readers would be, i know that i can't have such a huge impact on the egyptian image. i have to be realistic. all i wanna do is simply ring the alarm, so that young girls won't be blindfolded while taking decisions.

the bad medicine that i am offering you (and which you refuse to take) is knowledge. here you will find people talking freely about their personal experiences and feelings. forget Fantasia.. Fantasia is an evil bitch, ok.. what about men who agree with my biased stereotyping of them? what about married women who ask for my help, although they have no idea about who the hell i am? what about those who trust me cause they could clearly relate to lots of what is said here?

it is clear that i am not writing fiction, or stories for entertainment, so the least those people could do is telling me that what i'm saying is not true. or even simpler than that, they can stop wasting their time in reading my nonsense.

life is not exactly rosy.. and unfortunately females in closed societies don't get to see the true colors around them till it is too late. you say that women with personality and thought can find what they are looking for, and i absolutely agree. but they should be ready to face disappointment at any time. they should be solid enough to protect their personalities and thoughts. and above all their expectations should be realistic.

on the other hand, if only a few women have got this personality and thought, it won't be enough for them to feel safe. ok, you are an intelligent, ambitious, and strong woman, but some tramp on the street rapes you, because to him all women are the same. you are strong enough to report him to the police, he stays in prison for 3 years and comes out again. his ideas didn't change, he is still dangerous, he can do it again and again, and the chance of another victim reporting him to the police is very rare.

do you know why he stays for 3 years only? cause according to our law (the egyptian law) it will be a miracle to prove that you didn't do it willingly. why is the law like that? because it was put by men who believe that no woman can be raped against her will. a chaste one would let the rapist kill her. if you lived, it means you didn't resist him. what can your personality and thought do in this case?

i am looking far beyond husbands and wives as you see. it a problem of an old mentality which still controls our lives nowadays. a mentality which sees females as 1/2 human. a mentality which is full of false folklore about women and their nature. the men in this society claim to know women better than the women themselves. and they brainwash women to believe that assumption.

it is totally fine if none of what i said makes sense to you. be sure that i respect all views. Fantasia's World is the only world where democracy truely exists. and i would be delighted if you continue to interact with the ideas being discussed here.

Fantasia said...

3la bab allah,

yeah.. this taxi driver i believe i rode with him about 10 times or so. of course not the same man, but typical taxi talk. once a taxi driver kept talking to me about female university students and their shameful behavior. i didn't understand why he was telling me that. when we passed by ain shams university he kept pointing at the girls standing and crossing the street, and said "belzemma di mesh mas7'ara?" of course i got furious and asked why? imagine what his answer was!
he said that girls go to college to get married. they want to have relationships with guys and they think they can find someone stupid enough to marry them. (according to him a guy who marries his girlfriend is stupid of course.)
at that point i seriously wanted him to drop me off, but i calmed myself down, i wanted to know where this conversation (or i shall say monologue) was going. up till now, i had no idea why he chose to tell this to a female passenger, who is clearly college educated.
he kept babbling things like: polite girls don't attend college, girls should protect their reputation, parents shouldn't be fooled if their daughter claimed to love education and so on. according to him a girl would do nothing with a university degree, because she will end up staying home anyway, so school education is enough for her to be able to bring up the kids.
i didn't know what to say. honestly, my mind went blank. i wanted to ask him lots of questions, but what good will it do? will anything i say cause him to change his mind? he seems so sure about his theory. there is absolutely no use talking to this man. yet, i still didn't understand why did he share this theory with me. i couldn't help it. i had to ask him. usually i don't call drivers "ostah" but i was really angry at this one..
"3ala fekra ya ostah ana talebah fel gam3ah".. long pause.. "e7m.. ba2olak ana talebah fel gam3ah, f elsara7a ya3ni mesh fahma enta bt2olly elkalam da leih?"
i wish i never asked. years have passed now and i still remember this horrible taxi.
he said,"aho enty kedda tamam. elwa7ed etamen."
-"la2 ma3lesh mesh fahma.. ya3ni eih ba2a?"
-"ya3ni la mo2a7'zah law 7adretek konty ray7a meshwar mesh tamam, konty sme3ty elkelmeteen w sketty. laken bayen 3aleeki mo7tarama ya mazmazeil."
-"howa syadtak btemte7en a7'al2 elzabayen ya3ni wala bteshta3'al fi markaz elbo7oth?"
-"la2, ana ba7eb atamen 3al walaya. balek ya mazmazeil, ana law wa7da shaklaha mesh mazboot mb2oflhash mn asloh. feeh sawa2een 3'eery y2ololak ya 3am we7na malna."
-"3andohom 7a2. wenta malak fe3lan?"
-"la ya mazmazeil ana a7eb eltaxi bta3i ykoon ndeef lmo7'zah. ya3ni eih 2rakeb ay zboon w7'las?"
-"ya3ni law rekeb ma3ak wa7ed 7arami wraye7 yesra2, hte3raf ezay?"
-"mesh h3raf tab3an."
-"ya salam? eshme3na ba2a di mesh mohem 3andak te3rafha?"
-"la mo2a7'za kolo ella el3erd. el7arami da elbolees yeb2a ygeebo. laken 3ard elwalaya 7aga tanya."
i was determined to take revenge at this moment.
-"enta mtgawez ya ostah?"
-"el7amdolellah.. w3andy asma2 w 3alya2"
-"rabenna y7'alehomhlak wtefra7 beehom. bas ya reet te7kelhom el7ekaya elli enta 7akethaly di. la7san wa7da feehom teskot lama sawa2 eltaxi yl2a7 3aleeha kalam. ana nafsy elsara7a 2ereft ldaraget enny kont hnzel aslan. 2o2af ba2a 3ala ganb. wmafeesh wala maleem. asly ana nassabah. 3andak mane3? eb2a bala3' 3anny elbolees."

Anonymous said...

Ya Fatasia that is you. Always overreacting. The Taxi driver was defending his ego because he knows he is not educated and you are educated. So simple. You could ignore him because you supposed to have have an open mind. Laken ezzay Fantasia toskot? Kesebti aih ba2ah bel salati 3l Nabi? AMRE

Dr. Eyad Harfoush said...

Dear Fantasia,
It will be too long to write here, I will make a replying post and link it to yours her. Will let you know once I do. Thanks

Dr. Eyad Harfoush said...

I would like to answer here, that basically it has nothing to do with gender. My son and daughter will be brought up equally in this. But me showing intention to learn, I think will be fake as basicallly meticulous tasks are not fit with my charecter, will never do it well. Knowing that my wife is not working, it will be quite unfair to me to be working around 12 hours then taking care of household. So I guess I am fine as is

The Alien said...

i think one of the main reasons for what you are talking about here is that men live with their parents until they get married. they always depend on others and believe me, changing that is not an easy job. i have seen and lived with men like this, i faild with the most. may be it is diffrent when they are married but it is that they do not want to change. they like it the way it is, so the only way is to force them.

i have been leaving alone for 7 years now. it was my choice and i am happy with it. it helped me to graw up as a responsible person. i like doing housework and i think i am good at it. if i ever get married, i do not think this will change.

Fantasia said...

waiting for the post. the justifications you tried to give in your reply can't explain why you don't even try to learn.. learning is one thing, and doing is another. believe me anyone needs those skills. you travel alone and those skills will really be useful. get out from under the cover.. tell me why you don't want to do it.

Fantasia said...

sounds like some woman is gonna be lucky!
that's a surprise, i must tell you. the biggest one has to do with you confessing that you actually enjoy doing housework! way to go man! now that's something that i have to call brave. that's manly behavior.
i can assure you from now, that you will have the happiest marriage among your peers. all those lazy asses who didn't want to serve themselves will pay for their laziness and selfishness.
you will have lots of things to smile about, i am sure.

شريف أبو زاد said...

May I address you in Arabic?
أنا بحاول أفهمك من فترة . بحاول أرسم صورة متسقة مع نفسها لأفكارك . في الحقيقة مش نافع خالص . يعني أنا مش فاهم حضرتك بتعبري عن تجربة شخصية قاسية مثلا . أو حضرتك بتعبرى عن أفكار مجردة بتؤمني بيها . أو حضرتك بتتكلمي عن الواقع المصري . أو العربي . أو بتنادي بتغيير شئ ما أنا مش فاهمه .
يعني مثلا . مع كل تقديري للأستاذ (ذي إيليان) ، ومع كل إعجابي بتفتحه الفكري وثقته في رجولته ثقة حقيقية بتخليه فاهم كويس أن شغل البيت لا مس الرجولة بأي شكل . لكن اللي مش فاهمه في تعليق سيادتك عليه هو انك تقرري انه هيكون سعيد في جوازه . وإن مراته هتكون محظوظة لهذا السبب وحده . وأنه هيكون أحسن جواز وسط اصحابه .
إزاي يعني ؟ طبعا أنا مقصدش الأستاذ "ذي إليان" تحديدا وبتمنى توقعاتك لمستقبله تكون سليمة . لكن بتكلم عن رأيك إن أي راجل بيعمل شغل البيت هيبقى سعيد في جوازه . بس كده وخلاص ؟ مفيش أي عوامل تانية ؟ مفيش أي مشاكل تانية ؟ أنا واحد أعرفه بيعشق المطبخ والطبيخ ، واتجوز وفضل يحب الطبيخ ويرجع من الشغل يطبخ كل يوم ويقول ان دي هوايته وانه بيكافأ نفسه بعد يوم شغل . مش بس كده . ده بيعمل كل حاجة لنفسه وبيشارك في التنضيف وكل الأعمال المنزلية . هل مراته سعيدة ؟ أبدا . لأنه أولا نكدي ، بخيل ، معندوش طموح ، مش مهتم بشكله ومظهره . فين السعادة بقى ؟ الست دي مستعدة تطبخ وتعمل كل حاجة بس جوزها ده يتغير شوية للأحسن . مش كل الناس زي ما حضرتك فاكرة معندهمش مشاكل غير العلاقات بين الجنسين . على الأقل نص ستات مصر يا فنانة يشتغلوا جنب الراجل راس براس وكتف بكتف (في الريف - فيه هناك ناس اسمهم الفلاحين والصعايدة - دول حضرتك مبيشتكوش من اضطهاد المرأة - وكمان مش معموللهم غسيل مخ بالضرورة) . وعندك كمان كل هوانم مصر ، متساويين بالراجل واكتر شوية . وعندهم طباخ وسفرجي وشغالة وسواق .

للاسف أنا كتبت كتير المره دي فمش هعلق على ردك على د.إياد حرفوش اللي ليا عليه (الرد مش الدكتور اللي لسه مقريتش كتاباته للاسف) تحفظات كتير .

أرجو انك متعتبريش اختلافي معاكي في بعض آرائك سبب كافي للضيق أو الغضب . أنا أصلا عمري ما بعلق على بلوجات . وبكتفي بالقراية والتأمل . لكنى لقيت عندك موهبة في التعبير وفي التصوير تستاهل اني اعمل استثناء .

طلبي الوحيد والأساسي من حضرتك انك توضحي هدفك بالظبط . يعني انتي عايزه اصلاح اجتماعي واقعي لوضع المرأة في مصر مثلا ؟ ولا انتي بتعبري عن نوع من المبالغة في ابراز مناطق الظلم . ولا ايه بالظبط عشان بس الواحد يعرف يقيم ويوزن اللي بتكتبيه .

مع كل تقديري وتمنياتي ليكي بتألق وموضوعية أكتر .

شريف أبو زاد

Fantasia said...

mr sherif,
you are welcomed to comment in whatever language you choose as long as i know of it. i'd like to thank you for following my blog and expressing interest to know more about the aims it serves.
let me first clarify that this post was in response to a specific case. i was asked for advice and i was trying my best to help the woman who asked for it.
my writings are not driven by any personal motivations, and i guess this is clear enough. most of my posts deal with general topics and aim to analyze the true reasons behind the sexism we witness in our society.
as i said in introducing myself in the profile, this blog is addressing females to get them to have more faith in themselves and to inspire them to take an active role in changing their current conditions. this in the end serves the development of our country as a whole by bringing women into the workforce while promoting values of justice and equality.
that's to answer your first question.
as for my reply to the alien's comment, allow me to say that you are taking it too seriously. at no point have i suggested that helping your wife with domestic chores is the only key to a happy marriage. i am trying to encourage a positive attitude that is so rare and that is being faced with redicule. being willing to share responsibilties at home helps to strengthen the ties between all members of the family. families which don't practice the sharp division of roles are more successful and much happier. it's not a coincidence, it has to do with the values and beliefs existing in these households.
therefore the example you mentioned of men who enjoy cooking as a hobby is irrelevant to what is being discussed. we're talking about sharing, cooperation and equality. people who share the same home are expected to help one another in caring for it. but if someone cooks for his own pleasure, he is doing any favor to his family.
a man who is truly cooperative and who cares for his family that much can never be rough, or a miser or a loser or any of those qualities you mentioned.
hope this explains everything you were wondering about. please don't hold back your comments. there are always others who have the same questions in mind and you are doing them and me a favor. best regards.

Deeeeeee said...

Fantasia... terribly sorry for commenting! I believe I wasn't half as offensive as your reply, yet I have to tell you one thing that might be of use of you later on and might save you trouble FYI (means for your information) ya3ni "lel3elm belshe2".

I'm just telling you in case someday you get a work email saying "FYI meeting postponed till tomorrow" you wouldn't react like they were trying to kill you!

Anyway, I have learnt my lesson, its been a pleasure! Good luck with your freedom of expression!

Fantasia said...

I see.. so that's all you read from my long reply. mmmmmmm..

I really can't get it. Even a 3rd grader can tell that i wasn't offensive at all. on the contrary, i welcomed you in so many ways, in spite of your aggressive comment which was so out of context.

FYI I can see that you are running away like a scared cat. Girl, I wasn't born yesterday. Come on. Do you expect me to believe that you got angry because of one sentence in all what i have said? I'm not that stupid. And I hate it when people take me for being stupid.

It is clear that you haven't learned any lesson. You were never in class dear, and it is clear that you refuse to give yourself a chance to learn anything other than what you want to believe is true. OK. God bless you. I will never care for you more than you care for yourself.

I don't regret wasting my time in writing the long reply i left you. coz i know that sooner or later you will come back here to read it again. but please, when you do so, don't look back at this reply you left. as when this happens, you will see who you meant to refer to as being offensive.

"When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid" - Audre Lorde