Thursday, November 22

The Wife's Boyfriend: Is He the Better Deal?

How does this sound?.. Awkward? Bizaar? Meaningless? Well, not to me. I'm pretty familiar with the concept. Heard it being justified over and over. Yes, there are wives who do have secret boyfriends. But they didn't mean to cheat. In fact, they think that those boyfriends help them go on with their marriages. They would never think of cheating. It's completely out of the question.

To start off, I want to make it clear that I am not making any moral judgements. Those women are all devoted wives who took the decision to stay on board of a sinking ship in the hope of saving whatever can saved. I won't betray the trust of those who confided in me and shared their stories. Yet, I feel obliged to talk about this subject for a number of reasons:

1. The several cases I knew of suggest that there are quite a number of wives who share the same secret.

2. All those wives are suffering an ethical dilemma that is threatening their lives, and which could have been easily avoided if they had read a post like that before slipping into the area where they are trapped now.

3. Women usually open up and talk about their problems after they grow beyond repair. They are being intimidated to express their pain by everybody around them. Families are so relieved once a girl is married off, they focus all their efforts on keeping their daughters inside the marriage. This causes them to refuse acknowledging that their daughters are having problems. They won't listen. They may tell them that all those feelings of frustration are imaginary, or caused by the evil eye. It is the devil that makes her imagine things. Similarly, friends would refrain from providing real support, thanks to the common female wisdom which says that complaining wives will always reconcile with their husbands making the friend who interfered in their problem be classified as jealous and wicked. Who can give sincere advice when their reputation is at risk?

4. Each of those wives thought that she was a unique case, unknowing that her frustration is actually shared by many others. If they had known that, they would have learned of better ways of coping with their frustration before it devours their hope.

5. Wives who ended up having double lives didn't ever plan for anything of that sort. What started as an innocent attempt to break away from depression, gradually turned into a serious situation. They are victims of inexperience and unrealistic assumptions.

6. None of those women can bring herself to see that what she is doing is cheating. Cheating seems to have a very narrow meaning in our culture. Some forms of cheating are even idealized by those who commit them. Like students who cheat in exams and think it is a good sign of cooperation. Those wives, as I said earlier, are under the illusion that what they are doing is helping them continue with their married lives. As long as the relationship doesn't involve anything sexual or indecent, then it can not be considered cheating. Those of them who didn't actually meet their boyfriends in person, don't consider this a relationship at all.

7. In many cases, the wife suspects that her husband is having an affair (or multiple affairs). This puts her conscience at ease somehow, as she believes that her innocent relationships can in no way be compared to his sins.

8. Those of them who are mothers claim that they are putting the kids' best interest before their own. If they were selfish enough, they would have asked for divorce, in which case the children will be the victims, they argue. So mainly, they prefer to have secret affairs instead of divorce!

Allow me to repeat that I am not passing any moral judegements. I place my honest opinion in the care of those who wish to face the reality of the situation, and for anyone who is actually involved in this kind of relationship or is about to get involved.

First of all, it is in my humble opinion that the extremely high social cost of divorce (which I discussed in my previous post) should be the first to blame if anyone wishes to place criminal charges. Society has made divorce (which is allowed by God in mercy of his mortal creations) become such a shameful stigma, that would stain any woman who happens to be unfortunate enough to actually hold the title of divorcee. As I explained earlier in my posts, our culture values appearances much more than it values the real ethics of people. If you appear good according to social measures, then you are good, no matter what you do in secret. As long as a person is clever enough to keep secrets hidden from everybody, then he/she has nothing to worry about. On the other hand, if you are the best person that could ever be, yet you fail to maintain the accepted appearance, then you are in a position to be questioned by others, who tend to attach the worst explanation to anything that won't appeal to them. What if you carry a label that generates all kinds of negative responses from society? Imagine if you move around with a sign sticking to your chest saying "DIVORCED WOMAN"! This does not need any kind of effort from others to put you in the black list. You skip the questioning phase to be automatically delivered into the social waste basket. Nobody cares to know any background details. It doesn't mean anything if you were a victim in a miserable marriage. It doesn't make a difference if you are a surviver of the marital hallocauste. You carry the label. You have a criminal record. You are evil by default. You are guilty by nature.

Who wants to step into this fire? Hey, welcome tough woman! Show us your guts! You're nobody's friend. You're everybody's ex-friend. You scare the women away. You invite male scum who invite themselves to take their chances. You are avoided by married couples. You can't be seen anywhere in public. You are suspicious. You never get invited over. You can't expect good wills from anyone who comes near you. You're harmful bacteria.. and everybody fears infection.

If this is not intimidating, please tell me. We crucify our divorced women in public. Human cannibals eat their flesh alive. What do you expect? Honesty? Moral values? Courage? Truth?.. What? This society deserves nothing else than its own nature. Double faces, double values, double standards, double lives, and LIES, LIES, LIES. A society that lies to itself can expect no more or wish for no more. Exceptions will exist at their own risk. But if you are a true daughter of this society, you have well absorbed its teachings. You are like the fish in water. And you will be safe inside the water as long as you are in harmony with your surroundings. Only fools are ready to lose everything in return for nothing.

Yet, I ask, what about you? What about the person inside you? How can you calm her down? How can you shut her up? I know your husband is an insensitive pig. He doesn't have this good person inside talking to him. He does not suffer when he is mean to you. He is a natural bastard. But what about you? You do deserve a better life. You have many admirable qualities that he can not appreciate. You have a huge emotional energy, a volcano of feelings, a longing for romance, a thirst for understanding.. Yes, you have the right to satisfy your heart. You have the right to feel wanted and desired. You have all the right to find someone who listens to you. You only want a receptive heart to absorb your pain and sadness. You need a soft pillow to be able to take a nice nap that will aid you to go on with your tiresome life. You are human, and all humans are weak.

A nice chat with someone with whom you feel comfortable can lift up your mood for the whole day. I understand how good it feels when for the first time you reach out your hand in distress to find another hand willing to catch yours. There is someone who is not trying to make use of you. Someone who finds you funny, intelligent, interesting, and romantic. Someone who sees the real you. Someone who is always there to hear you and comfort you. Someone who cares for your feelings and tries to lift up your spirits. Someone who doesn't criticize you or patronize you. He makes you laugh. He says nice words. He is interested in what you think. He likes your sense of humor. He asks about your day. He pays attention to all the details. He gives you his opinion when you ask for it. He cares and shares your troubles. He finds your voice musical. He knows how to bring out the best in you.

And you got used to this man in your life. His presence, even through emails, online chat, phone calls, or sms, has become so essential. You can't go back to your life before him. You can't stop needing him. You feel you are addicted. It is all innocent talk. It is just communicating with someone you feel comfortable with. You exchange views and a couple of jokes. It's not a big deal. It's not your fault that society doesn't allow a married woman to have a male friend. You have to keep knowing him a secret, although there is nothing secretive about your relationship. I understand it all, believe me. And I don't blame you. And I don't have any bad thoughts about you. I know you are a good woman. I know that you are a respectable person who wouldn't do anything shameful or immoral. I won't care for you if I didn't believe all that.

My dear, I want you to think more about yourself. You might think that you are in total control of how this hidden communication is going and where it is heading. But others who did that all thought the same. However, they reached a point when they became more flexible with the strict rules they put from the start. For some, curiosity was beyond control. "I have to see this person. His face will say more about him. It would tell if I can really trust him or not. What if he is a young boy or an old man who has been deceiving me? I must find out for myself." For others, it was the unexpected development of feelings towards this person. They found themselves getting closer and closer, and the closer they become the more they get attached. Then you can never know. Your mind will start deceiving you in such a cunning way, making you able to find a justification for anything you want to do. Your mind can use your negative feelings towards your husband to push into directions you didn't really want. It can make the idea of revenge sound so tempting that it becomes irresistable. I've seen women going for things they didn't truly want just because they felt like a chance for revenge. The more they get attached to other people, the more guilty they feel, and the more they hate their husbands for being the cause for all this mess. This area is so slippery. No matter how much you think you are in control, there is always a chance of falling. The secretive nature of the relation gives it unlimited possibility for expanding. Walking two steps sounds as risky as walking the whole mile. It is a dark side of your life after all, and once you have this side it tends to fill itself gradually, adding more and more secrets. Then you will find that the innocent secret has turned into a whole other life, where there is a whole other you playing the leading role. The amount of secrets piling up will turn into a mountain dividing your life into two. Once this happens, a secret whether innocent or not, becomes a load of guilt placed over your shoulders. You only shake it off when the other person takes over, but it will quickly return again once you are back to your first self. And that's what you are stuck with most of the time.

You don't deserve that. Why torture yourself in such a way? Why do you willingly switch from being a victim to being guilty? What if your most carefully hidden secret was found out? How will you be able to prove that it is innocent? How will you appear in the eyes of everyone? Who will believe your defences or understand your motives? If you have kids, what will happen to them? What if they heard any of the things being said about you? How can you face them? How will you be able to continue being a mother in their eyes? And what could possibly be worth all this disaster? Fear of society? Fear of divorce?.. Do you think these are enough reasons to ruin yourself?

If you are having a bad marriage, invest the time and feelings you are ready to place into another relationship inside your marriage. Try to work things out using all possible methods. Express yourself honestly. Don't seek quick fixes that depend on your endurance and sacrificing your wishes. If that doesn't work. Face it! Be brave to admit to yourself that now is the time to jump off this sinking ship. Marriages fail for many reasons, but they only destroy people who are not wise enough to know when to end them. If you are newly married, give yourself at least 2 years before having children. You can never test the stability of your marriage before that. If things are not going well, don't ever listen to those who say that kids change husbands. They change them to the worse, that's all. Get out. Now is the right time. You don't need to increase the number of victims in this sinking ship. It is never too late to have the life you want. Don't live in denial. Denial only complicates matters and makes them grow beyond repair. Each year you spend in a failed marriage, is not only wasted from your life forever, but adds up to the losses and makes it more difficult for you to leave.

My final advice to you is to weigh things before taking any decisions. If you lose yourself, there is absolutely nothing to win.

14 comments:

egy anatomist said...

أقرأ لك منذ فترة

والحق أني ترددت كثيرا في التعليق على ما تكتبيه

فبرغم اعجابي اللامتناهي بطريقة تفكيرك المنظمة.. وعمق رؤيتك التحليلية.. وموهبتك الأدبية الأصيلة التي تجعل من لغة المقال وصوره متعة في حد ذاتهم تستحق الاستماع والمشاهدة.. ورغم اتفاقي مع الكثير من أفكارك وشعوري باتفاقي مع جوهر قضيتك

إلا إنني انتظرت حتى أحاول أن أفهم تحديدا رؤيتك لكيفية حل المشاكل التي تفوقتي في عرضها وبرعتي في تحليلها

وأظن أن مقال اليوم يحسم الأمر بالنسبة لي

أنا لا أختلف معك في توصيف أي من مشاكل المرأة في مصر وبلاد العرب وأحيانا كثيرة في ثقافات الشرق.. وأيضا لا أستطيع أن أغفل مشاكل المرأة في أكثر البلاد تقدما علميا واقتصاديا وتحررا فكريا.. فالمرأة في أفضل الأحوال سلعة لها ثمن في بلاد الغرب.. والتركيز على جسدها ربما يكون من أربح الصناعات.. وفي بلاد الشرق فهي سلعة بلا ثمن أو بثمن بخس.. وفي الحالتين هي "حالة".. "كيان".. شئ مختلف له معاملة خاصة ومختلفة

المشكلة في رأيي تتلخص في طريقة الحل.. فأنا أرى الحل يقوم على ثلاثة أعمدة: أولهما إصلاح ظروف الاقتصاد والسياسة للدولة بأسرها وثانيهما إصلاح ما شوهته قرون السيطرة الأبوية الشرقية في عقل الرجل ثم يأتي دور المرأة ونيلها لحقوق إنسانية لا تحتاج لمطالبة

المرأة هي الضحية.. فهل أترك الجاني وأطلب من الضحية إصلاح حالها

الزوجة التي تحيا في مسارين عاطفيين لا يتقاطعان هي حالة شائعة جدا وتتزايد خاصة في الطبقات الأعلى في المجتمع

وتحليلك لأسباب ذلك ودور الخوف من الطلاق سليم ومتبصر ونافذ وأحييك عليه

لكن أيضا الرجل يعاني من نفس المشكلة
هو أيضا في أحوال كثيرة لا يفضل الطلاق أو لا يقدر على أعبائه ماديا ويعاني من زوجة لا تتواصل معه وتنشغل عنه من وجهة نظره ويرى أن لا فائدة منها فهي لا تشعر به ولا تفهمه لا تشاركه أفكاره وأحلامه وكأب لا يريد إيذاء أبناءه أو لأي أسباب أخرى فهو لا يريد الطلاق.. وبالتالي يقع في نفس المسار الموازي ويلجأ لصديقة خفية ربما تكون متزوجة هي الأخرى ويشبع معها احتياجات عاطفية وفكرية أحيانا عبر الهاتف فقط أو الانترنت مقتنعا أن ما يفعله هو قمة التضحية والصبر والحفاظ على بيته وأولاده بل وأمهم

من مخطئ ومن ليس مخطئا

الجميع مخطئون

من أول النظام الطبقي الأبوي الرأسمالي اللي سايد في العالم من قرون ومستحيل تغييره إلا بالزمن وآلاف السنين الأخرى

لغاية ما يفرضه هذا النظام من قيم مجتمعية وأدوار لأعضاءه ونظم اجتماعية وتقاليد وعادات

وما تشكله هذه القيم والعادات والتقاليد والأدوار الاجتماعية من ضغوط على الأفراد جميعا للتصرف بطريقة محددة تخدم غرض النظام الطبقي الأبوي

ويأتي أخيرا الرجل ككائن منسحق تحت وطأة هذه الضغوط التي تفوق قدرة أي شخص رجل أو إمرأة على مقاومتها إذ أنها تسحق بلايين البشر عبر التاريخ.. فيستجيب الرجل للدور المطلوب منه مجتمعيا ويتميز فيه من اجل الحصول على مكانة جيدة وسط أقرانه

ثم آخر المسحوقين هي المرأة التي تحمل كل ما سبق فوق كتفيها فتنهار انهيارا تاما ومع الوقت تتكيف معظم النساء وتبدأ في ممارسة الدور المطلوب بحب وطاعة واخلاص ورضا وقناعة بل وينتقدن الرجل الذي لا يقوم بدوره المجتمعي بكفاءة ويسخرن منه ويفضحنه على الملأ كما يرفضن بشراسة محاولات بعض بني جنسهن ممن كشفوا سلسلة الرق والاستعباد الجهنمية المستمرة منذ آلاف السنين

أشكر جدا نصيحتك الغالية السديدة في آخر المقال.. فالأهم للانسان رجلا أو امرأة هو نفسه أو نفسها.. إذا كسبت العالم وخسرت نفسها فإنها ما كسبت شيئا وخسرت كل شئ

أتمنى أن تقبلي تحياتي الصادقة لعقلك الحر ومشاعرك الصادقة وضميرك اليقظ وروحك العادلة وريشتك الساحرة

تحياتي واحترامي

Jasmin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hassan El Helali said...

Fanta

It is a proven fact that mankind is not monogamist by nature. He was forced into it by a set of rules that were backed by what they told him were morals, ethics and religions.

We see everyday proves of the failure of the marriage institution but we keep on ignoring them for obvious reasons.

Unfortunately, no other acceptable solution has been invented yet, so, till then, man (and woman) will keep on improvising!!!

Fantasia said...

egy anatomist,
i can't thank you enough for all this praise. it is great that you prefered to postpone your judgement of my aims until you formed a complete image, as opposed to others who concentrate on attacking me once they see any point of difference in what i write. yet, allow me to say that you deprived me of my right to read your intelligent comments and exchange views with the knowlegable person that you are during this past time, ever since you started reading my posts. i thus hope that this comment would be the first among all the postponed reflections that you had.
i agree with you on almost everything you said. i understand that women conditions in any society are bound by a number of factors, not only male domination or cultural bias.
still, i strongly believe that we shouldn't let time and history take care of our current problems. the movement of history tends to be very slow, and if all societies had given up to its pace, humanity wouldn't have achieved half of what it reached today. there are always a few radicals everywhere, who are ready to take it upon themselves to push forward this slow process. those radicals (although i prefer to call them thinkers) have got a clear insight into the future and are able to lead others who don't possess the same talent. in fact, i believe that this is their duty.. a duty which they must perform.. a responsibility dictated by their talent and active spirit.
men do suffer.. and all that we ask for is to have an equal share of suffering with them. let us all face the same challenges together and let each contribute what he or she can do to reduce this suffering. but a cycle of oppression can continue for eternity, decreasing our hope in time's possible remedy. change rarely comes from above. it is a stroke of luck. and we shouldn't place our future in the hands of luck.
same thing goes with extra-marital relationships. if men find themselves in a position where they are forced to search for an alternative source of emotional satisfaction, then women who resort to this choice should be at least doubled 10 times. but reality shows the opposite. although the number of women who involved in such relationships is increasing, yet we can not compare them to the number of men doing so. again i say, let us be equal in our access to divorce. then whoever resorts to such relationships is to be blamed.
i hope you agree with me that families which continue with their lives under these conditions produce a deformed generation. when each spouse finds satisfaction in any alternative form outside the family, they stop investing into the family. so their children are not expected to be the happiest on earth. on the contrary, they are negatively affected by the coldness at home as well as the secretive aspects of their parents.
everybody is tortured for no logical reason. we introduce more victims into our tragedies by insisting to keep an empty frame for a family which does not exist. husbands who have relationships have the alternative of 2nd, 3rd, and 4th marriages. but most of them prefer temporary affairs for financial reasons. a wife's financial rights is the only obstacle between men and divorce or remarrying. i believe it can be fair enough if we gave up our financial rights on the condition that no restrictions would be placed on our right to get divorced. in such a way we can guarantee that couples stay together without being forced. i believe this is the bottom line for any human and healthy comitment.
looking forward to more interaction. and i'd like to express my admiration for your writing style and witty analysis. you have a very different blog that if full of meaningful substance. regards.

Fantasia said...

jasmin,
welcome back :) i'm glad you're filling your place once again here and providing us with a different perspective. what you said about the critical position of women is exactly why i am completely against passing any moral judgements. if those women had the advantage of free choice, only then can i say that what they are doing is wrong. but in fact they don't have any possible alternatives. why should a woman be destroyed if she wants to end her marriage? isn't it human nature that people disagree?
i was moved to write an advice to these women because i am probably among the very few who can understand their motives and feel their suffering. others would only condemn them, which makes matters even worse. people refuse to treat each other as human. the strict rules of right and wrong blind them to see any human experience worthy of sympathy or mere understanding.
i can't call such relationships "harmless" for they truly harm the wives who get involved in them. they ethical dilemma and feelings of guilt tear them apart. add to that the shameful nature (socially) of their secret. they can't open up or seek advice without being condemned. so i wanted them to know that as long as they are not comfortable with their lives they have to face their problems instead of escaping them.
i thank you so much for your sensitive and sypathetic standpoint. and i share your hope in positive change. societies have not be braver than their individuals and care to guarantee a sound environment where families can be safe and happy.
keep in touch dear jasmin. i care so much to know your opinion.

Fantasia said...

hassan el helali,
welcome for the first time on my blog. such a pleasant surprise and i hope it is just the beginning for more visits.
i can see that you want to start a revolution here:) so far i consider myself among those who work on reform from within.. within (you name it) any current system. what you are suggesting here though can only be discussed in the year 3000. i don't think i can make it till then, so i can only hope that people can come up with a more successful solution.
however, i don't see marriage as an institution to be a failure by default. any institution can do a good job if it had a sound management. needless to say, our management systems are .... mmm.. a big, huge, swollen, utter.. fiasco. yeah, that's it.
for 3 consecutive posts i've been harping the same melody, hoping to reach as many ears as possible. i wanted to show everybody where the problem is. it's the people who enter this institution for the sake of being there, that's it. i believe that men and women don't need to improvise any more, they just need to learn enough about marriage before they decide to seal the knot. the records are there. the secret formulas are already discovered. but people go on through life without looking around them. everything is governed by chaos, even personal lives and relationships. that's the problem.
so happy to interact with you here. hope you enjoyed reading my humble posts.

Hassan El Helali said...

My dear Fanta, I have been an addict reader and an admirer of your ideas and writings for a long time... but probably was too overwhelmingly busy fighting my battle with the rest of the world and trying to start a revolution here and a riot there to give a sign of life!!!

Your writings are so loaded and rich that it takes a special mood or rather a state of mind to even comment on them.... a luxury i hardly can afford... but I promise to make the extra effort...

I do, however, disagree with you about the availability of the "secret formulas" and the use of the old records... this is not a simple mathematics or physics... humans are much more complicated than that and you would never get the same results following a pattern with different people.

my respect

اجندا حمرا said...

my dearest fantasia

first of all i missed u and missed interacting with u and your interesting issues
im sure u will excuse me for my absence

i hope also u r doin fine my dear


this issue u r presenting is very important

i stopped at the part when u said usually those wives start to talk about their problems when they go beyond repair

it is true

i think also that those wives who tend to have boyfriends in their lives lack a good communication way with their own husbands ,so they shift to another someone who can give them more attention

i agree with u,it doesnt mean they r cheating on their husbands but maybe at the very beginning but sooner or later when a person finds someone giving them attention,care their emotions can shift to them and it can rock the marriage they wanted to save

let us agree fantasia that nobody can give from their attention to another someone just for pure sake,those might be present i dont wanna generalize it but the majority my dear r not like this
they can be all caring and loving and then all of a sudden unintentionally they fall for them it is human nature

sure the husbands wont agree on this that their wives have a boyfriend specially if they r of a specific life standard although we cant generalize this also
some husbands agree that they have a common friend in the family

personally i think if there is a problem with my partner i should talk with her and discuss it together ,i have been burnt by gossips and stuff and we r living ina small world where words travel like fire and anything kept between two if any of them confessed it it is not a secret any more

i agree with your opinion fantasia,if at one time someone finds his marriage on the rocks they should sit and talk about it and never invest a relationship inside a marriage ,this is like a pain killer u know it wont completely irredicate the pain but will alleviate it

such a strong post as usual fantasia
u never fail to amaze me,thank u for the wonderful post and sorry for being late
:)best regards to u my dear

The Alien said...

i do respect that because we all need someone to listen, someone to talk to, someone who feels and cares. but why you call him a boyfriend? i think what we and they (wives) need is a friend. a true friend that will really be there when we need him/her.

i agree with you that this is how it always starts, and also agree about how it ends. the problem is that finding a true friend is very hard. specialy for women here in egypt. a true male friend is very rare. the majority of men will ask for more.

i want to tell you something i do know about what happens here after marriage, all the husband's friends stay as they are, including males and females while the wife's male friends disappear.

our society does not allow women to have male friends, so women have to hid it specialy during marriage. secrets are never good with marriage, it is the start of the end.

Fantasia said...

dear hassan,
so touched by your encouragement and words of priase. you are a brave soldier fighting on many fronts, and i can't help but cheer you all the way. i know how busy you must be. so i won't be pushy, provided that you drop me a line every now and then. just tell me how well (or how bad) i'm doing. it means a lot to me.
you have a point in disagreeing, although i wasn't suggesting a pattern to be followed. it was more like getting a full idea about what a future spouse is stepping into. but you are right. the complexities of human nature along with the deep rooted traditions and shallow culture prevent this strategy from achieving its best results. well, let's say that the advice is there for whom it may concern. even if those concerned are a minority.
blessed by your visit, and wishing you best luck with your revolutions and riots :)

Fantasia said...

dearest agenda,
your presence always lights up the comments section. thank you dear for your care and encouragement. it's you who never cease to amaze me actually. i still can't get your story out of my mind, i keep hearing the microbus driver and i find myself so angry at him and his likes. not just that of course, your blog covers a wide variety of topics and bold material. very inspiring.
i liked so much the warning you included in your comment, concerning the unplanned developments which take place in those relationships. it is something i had pointed to, but i was hoping to stress more while discussing the post. most women trust their calculations, espically when they are aware of the dangerous nature of what they wish to do. their calculations work perfectly in the beginning, which gives them more confidence. i often heard a wife showing off that she ended a relation with one of them once he started getting personal or clingy. and i always try to explain that it is not because she has a solid will or power to stick to her limits.. but because the guy himself wasn't that difficult to get rid of. she wasn't attached to him, or let me say addicted. therefore i am never surprised when the same woman comes to confess that she was not as strong as she thought or that things are getting out of hand. you can never help falling in love, espcially when you don't have feelings for your spouse. chemistry is invincible, especially for wives who suffer from emotional deprivation.
i also wanna thank you for drawing attention to the oral nature of our society. people like talking about the private lives of others, it is an all time favorite topic for gossip. so your words "we r living in a small world where words travel like fire" are so true and must always be put into consideration. how can this woman be sure that her virtual friend is not spreading all kinds of rumors about their relationship, or making up stories to brag among his friends?
very important points being raised here, and i thank you for them dear agenda.

Fantasia said...

alien,
it's always great to interact with you my friend. you put things in a new perspective now, and that's the beauty of exchanging ideas. what you said won't be understood by the majority of people in egypt. women take it as a matter of fact that there is nothing so called as "male friend", especially after marriage. husbands would never accept discussing such a concept. what does a woman need a male friend for? what can he offer her that a female friend can't? nobody wishes to find real answers for these questions. they only want to object. it is not needed, it is not accepted.. that's all there is to say.
of course you can't ask a man to answer the same questions about his female friends. the answer is ready: "they're my sisters. but how can i trust another man or expect him to have the same look about my wife?" the answer is obvious.. if all men say the same, then it's not rare for them to treat female friends as sisters. but is anybody willing to listen or understand?
you know what? when we were young all girls used to call their male friends "boyfriend". it was taken for granted that each girl is allowed to have only one male friend.. don't know why? and he automatically becomes her boyfriend. coz our culture stresses the image of male/female relationship as only romantic or sexual. there is no friendship between different genders. so how can we fight against this common belief now?
if we lived in a normal society, things would have been much more easier dear alien. but we are stuck with the status quo. and this is the best i could come up with according to the existing situation.
wonderful insights, and a different reading of the problem which can only come from a real human. why can't all men become aliens?

Arabic ID said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Fantasia said...

arabic id,

nope.. sure we don't want that.. that's why we gotta kick'em outta this blog for a start!
don't know how you look.. but piggy faces are all the same.

"When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid" - Audre Lorde